Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Bachelor- Juan Pablo Week 5

 
The water gets a little murkier in Vietnam


No more Juanuary, no more Sunday specials, what am I going to do with myself? Watch the Walking Dead I guess.  Juan Pablo takes his 11 remaining women to Vietnam.

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Ok yeah a lot of scenic pics, it's beautiful but again I don’t think I would have want to go there.  The water is not clear, it is muddy and looks disease ridden.
 
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Of course the water doesn’t have to be clear for me to want to go there, Venice's water leaves a lot to be desired. They stay at the InterContinental Danang Sun Peninsula Resort
 
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Renee gets the first date this week, She has butterflies and says her palms hurt she is so excited. What? Maybe she should get that checked out. They go sight seeing around the city of Hoi An.  Juan Pablo steals a pedicab and he pushes her around the city, you know, I great way to hold a conversation.
 
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You guys, in case you didn’t know, they are both 32 and both single parents, a match made in heaven right?  He takes her to have a traditional Vietnamese dress made just for her. She picks out a fabric.
 
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 Tons of pretty, vibrant colors. And while the seamstress is measuring her bust, JP remarks “36, oh wow, I like that” 
 
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Way to be a perv Juan Pabs.  She starts to sweat so he runs next door and buys a fan, awwww. Ok the producers buy the fan.  They also stop and pick up a few knick knacks for their kids.
 
Later at Dinner, Renee comes out wearing her new custom made dress.
 
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JP is all Daayyumm.  I like it too, I’m a sucker for purple and blue. They have dinner at a deserted restaurant.
 
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 The restaurant is obviously closed to just them but the street noise or something is very loud.  JP asks more about Renee’s past.  She met her baby daddy, Ben’s dad, when she was 21.  They were both to young.  They get along now though, for Bens’ sake, even if it is tough sometimes. Renee really wants to kiss him but Juan Pablo is still being a sporadic prude.  He wants to be respectful since they both have kids, how long is he going to ride that excuse? Do you want to kiss her or not Juan Pabs?  If he really had a lot of chemistry and really liked her he wouldn’t have been able to control himself (ie: Clare) Anyways she does still get the rose but admits she wanted a kiss too.
 
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After dinner they follow some local children to a lantern ceremony. 
 
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You basically make a wish and push you lit lantern out into the murky river. 
 
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Renee wishes for a kiss, sorry honey, ain’t gonna happen. Doesn’t she know those wishes only work on fountains? Duh.  Juan Pabs says he doesn’t want to kiss her because her son is 8 yrs old and that’s old enough to understand, doesn’t want him to ask why this man is kissing is mommy and is he going to be my new daddy. Ouch, ok I may see the point.
 
Group date- This week it is Andi’s turn to freak out about going on too many group dates and no 1 on 1 yet.  So of course she’s on the group date along with Clare, Sharleen, Kelly, Kat, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie and Ali.  They will be rowing down said murky water in rice paddy boats. There are 9 women on this date, so when asked to pair up, Clare is the last (wo)man standing. You see Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, but surprise bitches! Since she is the odd (wo)man out, she gets to ride with Juan Pabs, bitches didn’t think that through did they? What did they think would happen, she would get excluded from the date? Yeah right, come sit next to J Pabs. The girls just hate her even more now. 

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  They float down the river. When her and JP’s boat gets stuck in some bushes, JP seizes the opportunity to kiss an unsuspecting Clare while he thought no one was looking. 

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 Of course they see it and are not pleased.

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Next they all wonder down a street and ask which way there is food, to which the man invites them into his home for food, yeah that wasn’t set up at all right? Sure 10 strangers plus cameramen can come into my tiny thatch house and eat all my food.  They all go out to the garden and pick out their fresh produce, Cassandra is bewildered (I shit you not, I can’t make this up) and wished they had something like this back in the US…..bitch it’s called farming!! Aww Cassandra, at least you’re pretty right? Andi uses this time to ask JP why she is on a group date again and no 1 on 1.  He tells her she got the group date rose last week right? Yeah. Ok so take that as a hint that you’re not leaving anytime soon and be grateful and shut up.
 
Okay, so they pick their food and sit down at a long table that conveniently fits everyone.

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That night, Juan Pablo pulls Clare aside first for some alone time.  The girls are understandably pissed, she basically already spent the whole day with him in their own rice paddy.  Now she’s the first one to get time with him, bad move J Pabs.  The girls are pretty spot on when they say they feel like Clare and JP are on a 1 on 1 date and they are tagging along. Juan Pablo doesn’t just pull her aside, no he takes her back to his hotel room and are all over each other in my pool. 
 
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How long where they gone??? Jeeze. Meanwhile, The girls are pretty spot on when they say they feel like Clare and JP are on a 1 on 1 date and the 8 of them are just tagging along.  Kelly asks if they should just walk the group date rose over to her now. LOL, yeah probably. 
 
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No wonder Clare thinks JP is her man, he basically is!  He kisses her in front of everyone else, sweeps her back to his place while he’s still on a date with 8 other women. Those are some pretty strong signals, what would you think?
 
Kelly ponders- Can we all hate her now, yes, yes we can. I guess no one hates Nikki this week because Clare is the time stealer this week.
 
He finally tears himself away from Clare and sits down with Sharleen. She just hopes JP sees her as a panda in a room full of brown bears.  They make out on the beach and the wind is about to rip her dress off.
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I must say Sharleen does have great dresses, most of which show off her bare back. Sexy but not Slutty. I guess that’s the panda in her.


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Next is Andi, when they talk they are always laying down and snuggled up, they are very comfortable with each other.  But  Juan Pablo takes her hand and walks down to the beach, he must only like making out in or near water.
 
Juan Pablo comes back to all 9 ladies and tells them what an amazing date it was, and all the girls are like yeah because you spend 75% of this date with Clare, yeah sooo amazing. So who do you think gets the rose……….of course CLARE! If I was any of these 8 other women I would be pissed. And Clare’s head gets even bigger.
 
I don’t know what JP was thinking here, he clearly didn’t have anyone else’s feelings In mind except for Clare.  I thought he would have been more respectful to the other women instead of rubbing salt in there wound like that.
 
After that lovely date, all the women head back to their suite. Clare says she is tired and pretends to leave to go to bed, instead she sneaks out and goes back to JP’s room.

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Hell why not, she knows where it is now and she thinks she has this thing in the bag.  She wants to go swimming in the warm water, apparently she has never swam in warm ocean water before?? Honey, did you see how murky the river was, do you think the ocean will be any cleaner??  Where do you think that agent orange river leads to…yep the ocean. Eww.  But JP is all for it, so he grabs his swimsuit and they head out.  JP says they have this connection that no one else has, on fire. They make out as the waves crash around them and all I can think of is not being able to see a shark sneak up on you, don’t they come out more at night? Like cats? Ok maybe just cats lol.  Anyways, Clare says she let everything go and we went just went for it, pure bliss in every way, wink wink ……..and I’m pretty sure they just screwed right there in the water. 

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 After their sexcapades, they stumble out of the water both checking to make sure their bottoms are still intact.  Clare talks about how wobbly are legs are, orgasm anyone? They are so guilty.  Hey remember Victoria and the Hymen maneuver hahha.
 
Juan Pablo doesn’t want to kiss a lot of girls for fear of being a bad example but he will screw a girl in the ocean?? That makes sense, Juan Pablo’s moral compass is more bipolar than Amanda Bynes.
 
The next day Nikki gets her first 1 on 1 date.  See Andi, complain enough and you will get a date.  Nikki has no idea JP was up all night all up in Clare all up in the ocean. But I’m pretty sure JP forgets all about it once he sees Nikki bouncing towards him in a white shirt and no bra, Clare who?? 

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The takes her for a hike through the jungle. Surprise! They will be rappelling 100 feet down into a cave….called Hell. Yes Nikki you are in Hell hahaha. 

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 Of course she’s scared “Either I live, die, or poop my pants” lol.  She is frozen so JP goes first. 

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She becomes victim to the date metaphors like, plunging to your death in a lot like falling love, both are scary or some shit like that. They make it about half way down before Nikki starts to panic again. He calms her fears by kissing her and she is ready to continue on into this “Hell cave”, wait is she referring to Clare’s vagina?
 
That night they have dinner in another cave, albeit not one that’s 100 feet down, just a normal cave turned restaurant. 

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 JP says he had a great day, where Nikki quips yeah because he got to stare at her butt all day.  She talking about nursing school and her job working with kids.  She says she loves her job because kids have such hope, even in the saddest moments.  She admits she was doubtful of JP having a kid but realized Camila has made him a better man…….oh sweetie, you would retract that if you knew what happened last night.  JP says he likes Nikki the Nurse and gives her the rose. He sees a lot of potential with her.  Nikki says she hasn’t felt like this in a long time, electric, like she stuck her finger in a socket.  Clare also hasn’t felt this in a while, that itchy burny sensation. Haha
 
Cocktail Party-  All the girls ride up on a larger rice paddy boat.
 
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And everything is decorated with lanterns
 
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Clare toasts “Cheers to finding love, being in love, and………making love” Wow way to be classy Clare, rub it in their face when they have no clue. 

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He face is so uncomfortable and the some of the girls may have caught on. He jumps up and grabs Andi for some alone time.  She is even more nervous about tonight after his obvious display of affection for Clare the other day.  He tells her not to worry, get a hint Andi, he’s basically telling her she is staying without saying it.  She learns kiss me in Spanish ….and French apparently. Haha.
 
Juan Pablo does a quick run through of all his favorite things about the girls. Cassandra is gorgeous and a great mom, and will make a great step mother. Sharleen has just got it, she is different from everyone else. Renee is his other favorite he says (such a favorite he has yet to touch her with a 10 foot pole?) She is beautiful and smart.  He pulls Renee away for some alone time, this time Renee stresses- look a have a kid but I’m not Mother Teresa for crying out loud! Ben knows she is here to find a husband and kissing is part of the territory, Juan Pablo takes a hint and plants one on her mid sentence. 

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Finally!!  They make out for a hot minute and there is definite chemistry there.  Afterwards Renee is on cloud nine

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She looks like Lucy twirling around lol.  She said that kiss was definitely worth the wait. 
 
Apparently Renee has brought back JP's morality because he is all of a sudden feeling pretty guilty about his secret rendezvous with Clare

 

Apparently Renee has brought back JP’s morality because he is all of a sudden he is feeling pretty guilty about his secret rendezvous with Clare.  She of course is still all gitty until he sits down with her and tells her maybe it wasn’t right and not fair to the other girls. Clare is now embarrassed and feels silly, she explains she was acting real, like there were no other girls, no cameras. But JP fires back but there ARE other women and cameras everywhere.  Clare is crushed, she never meant to disrespect Camila.  JP shouldn’t put that guilt on her like that, she was just doing what normal people do in relationships.  JP tells her to stop crying because if she freaks out every time he is honest with her then well he is going to stop being honest with her. OUCH. Place. Put. Harsh JP, harsh.
 

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Ok, you can’t tell me they didn’t have sex in that ocean.  If they didn’t then why does JP feel so guilty?  He’s kissed almost all the remaining girls so whats one more kiss? And for Claire to be that embarrassed and hurt, that was not over a little kiss.
 
JP led her on all week, his fault for putting her above all the other girls all week, what did he think was going to happen?
 
I think JP was way too harsh here.  Clare did nothing wrong, she wanted to swim in the ocean for the first time with her “boyfriend.”  Did she go into wanting to hook up? Who knows.  I’m sure JP was caught up in the moment too and probably wasn’t thinking with the right head, until later when he remember his daughter and other ladies.  I think he approached Clare about it all wrong.  He shouldn’t have called it a mistake, says he regretted it.  Now she thinks it’s her fault, that there is something wrong with her. No. He should have said while he thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe they should refrain from being physical again until she is the final one, if that is the end result.  That makes me think, what about the fantasy suite dates?? Those are coming up very soon with usually the final 3 or 4.  You’re telling me he’s going to be able to control himself when Sharleen/Andi/Clare are staying over night on a rose petal covered bed.  So whats the issue with 2-3 weeks.  My daughter will think I’m a man whore if she see’s I screwed Clare in the ocean, what is she going to think in 2 weeks when you sleep with 4 women in the fantasy suites. 
 
They come back and sit down with the rest of the girls and boy is it awkward.  Clare has obviously been crying and all the women assume Clare is his favorite and wonder how his favorite could be crying. If his favorite is upset and crying then we are all toast.  Clare says it’s just allergies but no one is falling for that.  She can’t get her shit together so she disappears to cry some more.  Ok now she needs to get it together, he didn’t dump you sweety and you have a rose!  JP of course hunts her down to console her.  He tells her to drop it, everything is fine, he just wants to hit the delete button and go back to the way they were before this sex scandal.  Just what a girl wants to hear- I want to pretend like we never had sex. 
 
They sit back down with the group. I guess there was plenty of time for all the girls to get their alone time with JP because they are all just sitting there in awkward silence waiting for Harrison to arrive. 
 
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 He doesn’t have a knife to tink tink the champagne glass this time but he probably should have brought it to cut the tension with.  Juan Pablo has to send 3 women packing and conveniently there are 3 women remaining he has yet to kiss.  I’m bummed going into the rose ceremony because my new favorite Kelly is probably going home : (
 
Rose Ceremony-
Clare, Nikki and Renee all have roses. The first rose goes to Sharleen, then Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and…….is it really that suspenseful?? Andi looks like she just saw a ghost but he flat out TOLD her not to worry, that she was getting a rose.  Of course Andi gets the last rose.
 
So I was right, Hysterical Kelly is going home.  Yes I was way harsh about her lazy eye the beginning weeks, but her humor more than made up for it.  She even pokes fun of herself about her eye on twitter and I’m looking forward to her comments next week since she can officially say what she wants now. Twitter link-
 
Ali and Danielle also get sent home, they had a combined screen time of 30 seconds this whole season, Hell it took longer for Chelsie to jump of that bridge than we saw of them.
 
My Final 4 predictions-
Nikki, Andi, Sharleen, Clare.
 
Next week they head to New Zealand !! Now that is somewhere I would LOVE to go! Have you seen any of the Lord of the Rings/Hobbit movies?? That’s where they are filmed and it looks like a fantasy land.  Looks like Andi finally gets her first 1 on 1 date and we see Clare with a suitcase?!?! Yeah she may be an emotional basket case but JP likes her too much to send her home just yet, and I don’t think she will send herself home, she is obviously head over heels for JP.  Will she win? I don’t think so, I think they have more of a sexual chemistry, they do more kissing than talking. I think he will realize their connection isn’t more than sexual, they can’t even carry on a convo without making out.  And this ocean rendevous has already put a dark cloud over them, I don’t think a new relationship can withstand that.

 

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