Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Bachelor Juan Pablo Week 3

Tits McGee is out, that alien chick is still in, Juan Pablo sprays all over the girls and Elise is STILL whining about Chelsie. 

Sunday was a recap of all the successful Bachelor/Bachelorette couples.  Of course there is Trista & Ryan Sutter from the very first Bachelorette
They are such a cute couple and *gasp* they actually have fights every now and then.  They show their 10 year vow renewal. So Sweet.

Next we see Jason and Molly Mesnick from the Bachelor season 13
and their torrential downpour of a wedding, that's what you get when you pick one girl (Melissa Rycroft) but change your mind after the finale and pick the runner up. Hey, it must have worked for these crazy kids because they do look happy and are making babies.

Since we are in Seattle, we pop on by Des and Chris from last season.
Des has moved to Seattle to be with Chris and opened her own dress shop there. They are still mushy sweet and I'm positive they exchange lovey dovey poems on a daily basis.

Ashley and JP from Bachelorette season 7
They have been married for a little over a year and announced they are trying for a baby. Awwww Good Luck to those two!

Then there is Deanna and Stephen Stagliano
.....who was never on the Bachelor but his twin brother Michael was a fan favorite, and mine! She is from Brad Womack's 1st go round on the Bachelor season 11. She then went on to be the Bachelorette for season 4, which Jason Messnick was a runner up and he went on to be the Bachelor. They have a baby on the way #BabyStag. 

Of course they have to talk about Sean and Catherine who are airing their wedding live next sunday.  I can't wait for these two to consummate their relationship already and shut the hell up about it!

Side note- I heard that Holly and Blake from the Bachelor Pad were also going to get a spot on tonight's couples recaps but nope. Probably because no one likes them anyways.  Holly was engaged to fan favorite Michael Stagliano, the twin brother mentioned above who was actual on this show, from Jullian Harris season 5.  While on the Bachelor Pad together, they break up, she starts hooking up with Blake from season 7- Ashley's season.  They are now married.

Ok, now on to tonight's actual show!

Cassandra gets the first one on one day this week.  She's the one who was crying last week because she misses her son.  So basically he is taking her out on a date to really see if it is worth her missing her son over.  I think she is just too young at 21, kid or not, but that's just me. She meets him at the beach, they hop in a jeep/dune buggy looking car and drive past the marina and Cass is convinced they are going on a yacht.  Not quite toots, JP has a better idea and drives the vehicle straight into the water. 

Surprise it's a boat too! Not just a boat but a kick ass full speed boat

Cass says this is her first date in 3 she hasn't been on a date since she was 18 before she got knocked up.  No way she is ready to be a step mom and have more kids right away like JP does.  She would have 3 kids before she was 24, yikes. Not Ready. 

The jeep boat looks like so much fun!  They tear ass though the waves.  Then pull over and swim for a bit, making out in the water.  All the adrenaline got little Juan all worked up huh?

Cut back to the mansion-Elise is talking about her mom, she was her best friend.  She got skin cancer, her dying wish was for her to be on the Bachelor. THAT was her dying wish?? wow ok.

Back to the date, it's night time and they are at JP's place.  Camila is with the grandparents so they can let loose.  He is cooking pasta and busts out into slow dance half way through. It's awkward, not that they are bad dancers, she was a professional dancer for crying out loud (well until she got knocked up) She looks like she is trying to get the steps down really quick and JP looks like he wants to hump her really quick

Date Card! Back at the mansion, Kelly thinks she is getting a 1 on 1 since she got the group date rose last week. Wrong Dead Eyes! Her name is first on the group date card, then Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christie, Lucy, and Nikki.  That means Clare, Kat, Elise and Chelsie are left to get the last 1 on 1.  Clare  and Kat had their dates last week so a guaranteed no date for them, sorry thats the downfall to having the very first dates, it's a long time before it's your turn again. So it's down to Elise or Chelsie, two blonde teachers.  I don't care for either of them and doubt they will make it far. Like I've said before, Chelsie looks like she has crazy hidden not so deep down inside and Elise, meh, she's not very cute or interesting.

Back to Cass and JP, they are feeding each other desserts. Cass reminds us (us the viewers, not necessarily JP) again she hasn't had a date since she was 18, since basically high school!! Yeah, marriage material right here.  JP is all Daaaayum she's beautiful, it's obvious they have crazy chemistry but she's just not ready.  They show each other pictures of their kids so of course she gets rose. They have crazy chemistry, she is a mother, she can dance, but I just don't think he's realized just yet that this chick hasn't had a date since High School!!

Group Date!  This is Sharleens first date yet, she got the first impression rose. The ladies all meet JP over at the Galaxy soccer stadium and of course they will be playing soccer! Apparently Ali has also played soccer all her life, she came out of the limo on the first night with a soccer ball but I thought it was just to impress him. She has barely gotten any screen time so know nothing about her besides the fact that she's a nanny. Andi is whining again that she isn't good at soccer, she had the nude complaint last week, she's starting to get on my nerves.  Nikki is just having fun and looks like a pro out there. Kelly isn't very coordinated and Sharleen has never wore cleets in her life. 

The girls are split into 2 teams-
Blue Team-                                            Red Team-
Renee                                                    Nikki
Sharleen                                                Ali
Christie                                                  Kelly
Andi                                                      Danielle
Lauren                                                   Lucy

Blue Team comes out all skippy and cheesy, Red Team comes out all serious and intimidating.  Red Team has the clear advantage, Kelly should just sit on the sidelines and be the mascot.  Blue team scores first, but the Red Team gets fired up. Sharleen takes a ton of balls to the face but is a good sport about it.  The red team is killing the blue team so bad that JP steps in to help the Blue team. Even JP pummels Sharleen, she's worse than Kelly! Red Team wins, duh. The winners get..........nothing. Usually the losing team has to go back to the mansion and the winning team gets to continue on to the later part of the date. But not this season! JP is too nice, he wants to spend time with everyone. Instead he sprays them all...............with champagne and they hit the locker rooms to change.

Apparently that takes 5 hours because it is now night time at the stadium.  Nikki is the first to get some alone time, I really think JP has a big crush on Nikki. He's always touching her (especially her forehead??)
and listens very closely when she talks and he likes her sexy tattoo hahaha.  She admits that she's nervous and always worries about how much time she will get with him, but tonight she was worry free and comfortable.  She hasn't kissed him yet but I think that will play in her favor.  Andi and JP raid the closed concession stand, then sneak into the back kitchen to make out.  Health code violation anyone? The kitchen sanitation grade has just gone down.

Back to the mansion.  Elise is worrying about who is getting the last date this week, her or Chelsie.  She thinks Chelsie is too young.   The Date card finally comes, Elise just gets too excited about these date cards, calm down girl.  Of course Chelise gets the date since they show Elise feigning for it. Again she says she thinks Chelsie is too and not ready to be a stepmom.
Back at the stadium, JP gets more alone time with each of the girls.  And considering stadiums are round and this one is empty, they can all pretty much see each other at all times. Very Awkward. Ali says she wants 4 or 5 kids, a little soccer team. Of course that's what Juan Pablo wants to hear. Danielle talks about how she was adopted when she was 2 days old, where is this chick from? outerspace?

Next JP brings Sharleen out into the middle of the field, ya know, the focal point of the whole stadium, the place pretty much every seat in the house can see. And he kisses her! remember that little tid bit of advice Sean gave him about not kissing in front of the other girls? yeah that's shot all to hell.  Of course the other girls already don't like her because she got the first impression rose and was ungrateful about it.  And the kiss starts pretty awkward, Sharleen is all tense
She's all tongue tied but finally spits out that she wants a redo and she kisses him this time not as weird.  I guess Sharleen is finally starting to like him back.  The girls are all jealous, Andi is upset because she just kissed him, do these bitches seriously not watch this show? He kisses pretty much all of you! back to back!  All the girls are sure Sharleen will be the one to get the group date rose, but nope, it's Nikki! And she hasn't even kissed him yet! See Ladies. Sharleen is of course upset, she says it surprises and bothers her that she cares as much as she does.  She is so wishy washy, she doesn't even know what she wants.

Juan Pabs comes to pick up Chelsie for her 1 on 1 date.  Elise is sitting there as he comes in and he apologizes to her for not giving her a date this week.  She of course forgives him and she tells herself she is just going to focus on the fact that he talked to her first and that connection they have..............yeah, as he walks out of the door holding another womans hand, yeah sure he likes you. Anyways, they drive off and JP pops in some latino music.  I doubt Chelsie can understand a word but she's all I Love This! and starts dancing like an idiot.

Cut back to the mansion and Elise is STILL talking about Chelsie.  "She just seems like a baby" she says to 21 year old Cassandra.  What? Chelsie is 24, while Elise is 27.  Elise is literally talking to the youngest person in the house right now and how JP needs someone older and more mature.  I completely agree but Elise is wasting too much energy worrying about Chelsie. LET IT GO! She is obvisously threatned by this yongner, blonder teacher. "I don't think she's a woman, I think she's a little girl, so I'm not to worried or scared, she'll end up going home" yeah? then why are you still talking about it?

Chelsie and JP stop by a Venezuelan restaurant and she loves it. After stuffing their stomachs full of food, they go jump of a bridge.  No literally, JP has taken Chelsie to go bungee jumping.  Not my thing, nope, no way.  Chelsie freaking out too.  The bungee guy is no help either-"Don't worry, just let gravity do it's thing" Ummmm yeah that's the point. Gravity is a hell of a bitch and can snap that cord.  She really is freaking out and JP is trying to get her to do it. They go up to the ledge, she chicken out, they take a breather, they try it again, same thing, she wants to get back down. 45 minutes later he says she doesn't have to it and that's when she finally decides she wants to do it and they jump. What?  this whole time she didn't want to jump, then he says she doesn't have to and she miraculously wants to do it all of a sudden. weirdo. They finally jump, no one hits the cement below and I'm a little disappointed in gravity at the moment.  They kiss upside down all spidermany and they think they have chemistry but that just the adrenaline talking.  That night they go to dinner at.......the city hall in Pasadena? nothing scream romance like city hall.  Chelsie says her whole family is full of dentist and doctors but she just loves children and wanted to be a teacher.  Even though these two have zero chemistry how can he send her home after that? She will stick around for at least another week.

Ugh, Are we seriously cutting back to Elise AGAIN! and you guessed it, she's stiiiiiiiill talking about Chelsie.   "I look at her as a little girl, I couldn't imagine her raising a little daughter"  I don't get it, why is Elise so bothered by Chelsie, sure she's weird but she's a school teacher and she can keep her top on.  Why is Elise not bitching about Lucy? Now SHE is someone who doesn't need to be raising a daughter.  "Do you even know how old she is?" She asks Kat, who replies "I think 25 or 26, why how old are you?"  Elise looks dumbfounded and quietly replies- 27. Kats face says it all-
Juan Pablo gives the date rose the Chelsie, of course, he can't make her jump of a bridge then give her the boot.  Then they go to a concert, from someone I actually know! What! But I listen to country so if you don't you probably have no idea who Billy Currington is.  He sings "Hey girl" and they dance. It's cute, they are fun together. I think he may want to like her more since she's a teacher and great with kids but there is no chemistry.

The next day bright and early, Juan Pablo shows up to the mansion to cook the girls an authentic Venezuelan breakfast and see with these chicks really look like in the morning.  Kelly is the first to get up since Molly has to go out to pee.  She sees JP and acts like she is just hideous or something. 
She's wearing glasses, pajamas, knee high socks and her hair in a bun. cute, but she doesn't think so, she says her grandmother always told her not to let a man see you without your face on. Never? opps, I guess I broke that rule.  So and heads back up stairs to change and warn the other girls. Why?? I don't know. I wouldn't say a word, let some of these bitches come down stairs with morning breath and yesterdays makeup. ewww. Renee comes down next, if she got the warning she doesn't care because she comes down with no make up, hair all a mess and looks fine!!  Ladies you are not supposed to be all dolled up in the morning!!  Eventually all the ladies make their way down stairs not looking terrible or really done up either.  JP espaucally comments on how cute Clare looked.  They all eat and it looks delicious!!  Even Molly gets in on the yummy goodness

Juan Pablo then goes all Chris Harrison on everyone by tinking on a glass to gather the ladies in the living room.
He announces there will be not cocktail party tonight, but instead a pool party!  Everyone in their bikinis and to the pool pronto! Juan Pablo is the first to jump in the pool, with Lucy, Chelsie, and Danielle all jumping in right after. Cassandra obivouusly doesn't want to get her hair wet so she immedialty evacuates the splash zone. 

Most of the girls eventually end up in the pool except Cass, Kelly, Sharleen and Clare.  Kat is being loud and having a great time, it's a freaking pool party! Loosen up people. 
The other girls start to judge her because she is up on JP shoulders wrestling in the pool.
I don't see what the problem is?  Then when Kat does get her alone time, her and JP walk past the other girls to get to a secluded area, which Sharleen thinks is so rude and terrible.
Where else was she supposed to walk? Plus Sharleen made out with JP in the middle of a soccer field where all the girls could see. So yeah Sharleen and Kelly hate Kat now. When it is finally her time with JP, Sharleen is very standoffish. He asks her how she's doing and she her reply is a short "ok, you?" He's like just ok? "yeah ok, you?" He knows something is up, she goes on to say she's tired of all the cameras in her face all the time, staring into her soul.  Ok, it's official, Sharleen has never seen this show before guys!  She starts to cry and JP comforts her. She's starting to crack under all this pressure and I don't think she will last much longer.  I think Juan Palbo will keep her around but I think she will send herself home.  They make out and some of the other girls see. Now it's Clare turn to cry and be jealous. It's a vicious cycle! Clare is quiet about it though, she excuses herself and gives herself a minute in the bathroom.  Someone is crying in the bathroom so Renee's motherly beacon has gone off and she's there to comfort her friend. The difference between Clare and Sharleen is that Clare actual likes JP and Sharleen is a little culture shocked.  Clare gets herself together pretty quickly, meanwhile Andi tells Sharleen that Clare is jealous and freaking out over her kiss. Ugh way to exaggerate and start drama Andi.  They think she's a ticking time bomb. Hello pot, meet kettle. Clare talks with Juan Palbo and expresses her fears. She basically has the first date curse, she got the very first date, had a blast, caught some feeling, and now has to sit back while other girls get their dates and fall for him as well.  Juan Pablo tells her not to worry.

Rose Ceremony-
Nikki, Chelsie and Cassandra already have roses.  I think Danielle and Christie are going home tonight.

Final rose goes to..............Danielle?!?!?  What? how is this girl still around?  So that means Lucy and Christie are going home. Christie I knew because she hasn't had any screen time (neither has Lauren but she's a music composer, and we know JP likes elegant, classy women)  But I was a little surprised by Lucy.  I knew she wouldn't last much longer but I was sure the producers would keep her around longer for drama.

My Top 4 are-

I like Renee more but I think JP likes Andi more, but she has been a whiny bitch these past 2 episodes.  And I think Sharleen is the ticking time bomb waiting to send her own self home.

Next week Juan Pablo and the girls head off the South Korea. Looks like Sharleen gets a date and we finally get to hear her sing.  And it looks like the claws are coming out, especially between my 2 favorites Nikki and Clare.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

First Juan on Juan dates

The girl who can't keep her top on looks normal compared to the drunk hymen maneuver chick.
This week was so good! Drama and tears and drunken rants and more tears.
Sunday night was another Jaunuary special.  Mostly filler but we got to see the ladies who received roses move into the Bachelor McMansion and the ladies that didn’t, pack up their tear soaked prom dresses and head home.  Amy J looks the worst, like she really did stay up ALL night sobbing over a man she just met.  Did she really think she stood a chance?
On the special we also found out who gets the first Juan on Juan date (sorry I had too) it’s Clare! Currently my favorite. Why did they show us this Sunday instead of tonight? I don’t know, so if you only tuned in to tonight, you were probably confused by the lack of a date card. Oh and they also spoiled who is the bathroom crier who wants Juan Pablo to's Victoria!
So the episode starts right off with Juan Pablo picking up Clare for their date. He puts a blindfold on her and they head off.  She is super cute about it, not at all complaining about her eye make-up being ruined or hair getting creased from the blindfold like most women would do. JP pulls up and it is a Winter Wonderland. Clare is stoked.  They are really cute together, playing in the snow, sledding and ice skating, and Clare looks like a baby deer learning to walk.
Seriously, it's not that hard.
Cut to the mansion where Molly is fetching a date card. Can we have a house pet every season?? And no, crabs don’t count. Speaking of, Lucy is just hanging out topless with some of the other girls in the hot tub.
Kat gets the second 1 on 1 date this week and the other girls are clearly not amused.  
Back to Clare and JP, they have lost their clothes and are now getting hot and bothered in a hot tub.  JP thought her pregnancy joke last week was cute and fun and showed that she was easy going.  Meanwhile Clare is just trying to control herself around a literally hot and steamy JP.  She talks about her dad passing away and how she was a daddy's girl.  Of course JP eats it up, I can be your new daddy. Clare gets the date rose, duh! And they head over to the first concert of the season by someone nobody has ever heard of.  They make out-she gets the first kiss of the season. JP starts out wearing a jacket, cut to singer, cut back to JP….he’s shirtless again. Not that I’m complaining but that fake snow has to be chilly, especially wearing a wet bathing suit. 
Oh, they are standing on the jacket since they are barefoot.  That’s the equivalent of a man removing their jacket so the lady doesn’t have to step in a puddle, which I have only ever seen in the movies….many many years ago.  JP is proving himself to be an actual gentleman.  But I have to point out that she always sounds like she is about to burst out in tears. But regardless, I really like these two together, she will make it to the final 4/aka fantasy suites.
Kat gets the second 1 on 1 date, JP picks her up but no blindfold this time.  They drive to the airport and Kat thinks they are going somewhere exotic and romantic-“I could get used to jet setting with my latin lover” ahahaha sorry toots, it’s Salt Lake City, Utah. JP has a change of neon clothes for her.  Surprise! They will be running in the Electric Run, which is basically a 5k with glow sticks and neon lights. 
 This is possibly the worst date ever.  I don’t mind EDM music, it’s not my favorite, and I love all the lighting (my husbands speciality) But running?? Ugh, I don’t run unless I’m being chased. And running with thousands of other people? That’s seems worse than rush hour, people all up on your ass, people in your way, people running into you, no thanks.  After running 5k they dance like raver kids and make their way to stage. 
They dance on stage, and genuinely look like they are having a blast.
Of course Kat gets the rose because she has the moves like Jagger. But she does not get a kiss on this date, granted they are standing in front of thousands of people, but when has JP ever been shy??
*Random piece of info, this was filmed around Thanksgiving as you can see a Thanksgiving tower??*
Group date- Chelsie, Kelly, Cassandra, Renee, Christie, Andi, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Elise, Nikki , Victoria and Lucy.  Which means Amy L, Sharleen and Danielle get no dates this week.  Lucy is so excited about her date she can barely keep her clothes on
Seriously? What's wrong with this chick?? I guess one would call this "lack of home training".  JP takes his herd of chicks to a warehouse for a photo shoot.  Reminds me of Americas Next Top Model, except I think the girls are actually prettier here.  The ladies are posing with dogs for a charity Mutts and Models. "Dog Lover" Kelly has got to be in heaven right now. Each of the girls gets paired up with a dog and hands an outfit. Most of the girls will be wearing swimsuits or dresses but Elise and Andi find out they will be completely nude.  Of course both of them worry about what their employers will think- Elise is a first grade teacher and Andi works for an attorney.  Kelly thinks they are both being ridiculous because she has to look like this, and she has a point.

 Andi freaks out and pouts, while Elise actually uses that thing in her skull taking up space and asks the chick who can’t keep her clothes on the switch with her. Easy fix. Lucy immediately strips down and then proceeds to walk the streets of LA completely naked.
 How did she not get arrested?? Anyways, Andi continues to worry about being naked until JP comes over and is like “Hey, I’ll be naked too and it’s for the puppies”. Done, she’s in!
So did all the ladies on this date see his little Juan??
The group date has only just begun!  They have a rooftop cocktail party.  Cassandra gets the first alone time and she’s all nervous to drop the bomb that she has a kid, umm hello?!?! Has she not heard about Camila?? Sorry Cass, JP is the only one allowed to have a kid around here.  Of course he loves the fact that she got knocked up at 18…..she’s  21 with a 2 year old….plus 9 months.  The other mommy Renee is next with JP. During their photo shoot, they were oozing chemistry and so close to kissing, but now Renee chickens out on the real kiss.  I don’t think that hurt her at all though, JP is loving him some Renee at the moment.  I think she will have plenty of time to get that first kiss.  Oh, and her and her son Ben have keeping journals for each other while they are away.   I like Renee more and more each week.
Now for the best part of the whole episode! Victoria was a front runner for me, I figured having a South American background would attract JP.  She looked like a cute girl, not showing any signs of psycho. I was so wrong.  Victoria got HAMMERED at the group date cocktail party.  While JP is off spending time with each girl except for her, Victoria is downing champagne and twerking in the hot tub.
Here are some gems that came out of this messes mouth-
 “I'm going to straddle him everyday……that’s what life is all about, straddling people, and things.”
"I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch"
“Juan Pablo loves fun, I’m fun”
“I’m not drunk, I’ve only had one drink, this is how I am sober”
And the greatest quote from the Bachelor of All Time- “Today I gave him the Hymen Maneuver”  I can’t.
Some of the girls try to talk some sense into her but we all know that the only effective thing would be a baseball bat. Andi doesn’t want JP to see Victoria like this, and I don’t think Andi gets this show, sweety you WANT her to make an ass of herself and get sent home. Victoria drunkly stumbles all over the hotel looking for JP, who is talking to Nikki and oblivious to the champagne disaster that is coming his way. She sees them together then goes and cries in the bathroom. I don’t get it, was she jealous? Did she forget JP is dating all the women in the house?? Regardless of what sent her into a downward spiral, she is a mess.  Not only does she go into the bathroom BAREFOOT! Ewww but she SITS down next to the toilet while still wearing that wet bikini bottom. Ladies, you know this is wrong on so many levels. Renee, the loving mother, comes to comfort her.  She brilliantly uses a  towel to slide underneath the door to get in the locked stall and for the love of God, tries to get Victoria to sit on the towel not the bathroom floor! Victoria says she has had enough and wants to go home......right this second, so she heads for the elevator. Producer Elan has to stop her because she's still barefoot in her bikini, with no money or ID or sense. 
 They can't just let her walk the streets like that.  She doesn't get her way so she runs back to the bathroom a sobbing mess. 
JP meanwhile still has no clue what's going on. Lucy, who comes off looking normal here, is the one to interrupt JP and say hey, you might want to handle this.  He goes into the ladies bathroom and stands outside the locked stall trying to talk to her. But she's just crying not saying anything back. JP is all like fuck this, I have 12 other girls on this date that actually want to talk to me. And he leaves her in the stall.
He goes back to the ladies, basically Victoria is being a psycho so she can stay her ass in the bathroom, Kelly will you accept this rose? I thought Andi would get it here since she "overcame" her fear of nudity. But nope JP must have felt bad for making her dress up as a dog and didn't hear her complain. And with that JP has had enough women tears, he tells them to get Victoria home safe so he can talk to her tomorrow....aka give her the boot.
Turns out Victoria never made it back to the mansion, she is still at the hotel. The women were probably like screw that, she can find her own way home. JP goes to talk to her and she barely shows any remorse.
 "I guess I over reacted and I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train, welcome to Brazil!" what?? and it doesn't get better "I drank too much and I guess I could have been a little more adult about it." JP already has his mind made up. He's looking for a step-mom, not another child. He sends her home right then. Her hangover from hell just got a lot worse.
Ok now time for the real cocktail party for the rose ceremony.  Wait, who's that bitch? Security! We have a rabid fan crashing the party!
Oh that's that Danielle chick, she straightened her hair. Ok false alarm.
Juan Pablo breaks the news that he kicked Victoria to the curb.  He grabs Amy L first since she didn't get a date this week.  She uses this precious time wisely, and by wisely, I mean terribly wrong.  She does a mock news report, I mean, it's cute and she's not terrible but she is clearly trying to promote her career.    
Hint, hint ABC.  She should have held an actual conversation with him.  Sharleen apologizes to JP for her rude reaction of the first impression rose, she was just shocked and still very nervous around him. Of course JP loves it, he's so smitten with her that he didn't even notice. Meanwhile, we may have another meltdown on our hands! Cassandra is wigging out because she misses her son. Bitch it's only week 2! There's still a long way to go. Renee has to put her mommy britches on again and console another train wreck. I'm going to need Renee's number so I can call her on my bad days. Ok Thanks!  JP finds out he has another bathroom crier.  He's just relived that she's not drunk, just missing her son. Of course JP can relate, he has been in the exact same spot so he calms her nerves. I must say JP has been a stand up guy so far!  Sure he just wants to dance and have fun, but he's doesn't play around with drama and bull shit. 
Rose Ceremony-  No amazing goof ups like last week.  Kat, Clare and Kelly already have roses. Cassandra gets the first rose to show that he really wants her to stay. Then Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy, Danielle, Ali, Chelsie, Lauren and Christie.
That means Amy L and Chantal are out!  Amy was such a beautiful girl but she should have been interviewing to be a wifey/stepmom. And I like her even more when she doesn't cry when she gets the boot. Unlike Chantal who is very upset, let's face it, did anyone really expect Chantal to make it any further? 

My Top Girls-

I don't think Danielle will make it much further and I think JP will get tired of Lucy's naked antics really quick.  Also Chelsie still has crazy locked away I know it. Christie, Ali, and Lauren have hardly had any screen time so far, could they be sleeper contestants like Catherine was for Sean?? Maybe.

Next week looks like Cassandra gets a one on one date and Juan Pabs takes his group date girls to a soccer field where some of the girls see Sharleen kiss JP. The claws are about to come out!!!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Bachelor- Juan Pablo meets the Ladies

The Good, The Bad and The Crazy Eye
The new season has officially kicked off and boy is it entertaining! It's ridiculous how stoked I am to watch these poor misguided souls go about looking for love in these absurd situations! 
They do the usual montage of shirtless Juan Pablo on the beach, shirtless Juan Pablo toweling off from a shower.  They have flown Camilla out to LA to be with her Dad while he is filming, JP's mom and dad are also in town so she can stay with her grandparents at night while JP goes out and dates 27 women. The last Bachelor, Sean, makes an appearance to give JP some advice, who is worried that he will not be able to remember all of his girlfriends names. To which Sean replies: "that's ok, just tell them you are terrible with names". Too many hoe's to keep straight, I guess. Nothing makes a girl feel more special than a guy forgetting her name or that he meets too many women to remember. Sean also cautions that the ladies will do some crazy stuff to stand out on the first night, he should just go with it. Peeps, this is what you would call foreshadowing. Oh, and of course when making out with a chick, do NOT do it where the other ladies can see. This will cause an all out drama fest with tears and hair flying everywhere. Better yet, Yes JP let them see!!
Lastly, Sean says to keep an open mind. To not pick his final girls right away because it will all change. Sean says Catherine wasn't even on his radar until the 3-4 weeks, now they are about to be married this month.  I'm torn on this, yeah it's sweet but is it really?? I had so many other hotter women that I didn't even notice you.  I caught my husbands eye before I even got all the way in the door. 
Ok after all that filler, JP tucks Camilla into bed and heads off to find her a new mommy.
Wait, more filler. Some of the "lucky" ladies get extra screen time before the limo arrivals.  These are usually reserved for the front runners, the desperate, and the criminally insane. 
-Chelsie spews the normal blabber about being ready for love blah blah. But she does peer strangely and rather humorously through some plants                 
-Renee strolls on a beach and instead of mentioning the many similarities they have like living in Florida and oh, having a kid......she says "He is totally my type, he's super attractive." smh.
-Andi on the other hand MIGHT have some sense.  She is a gang prosecutor, beauty and brains, and her footage of the courtroom is so fake, faker than most of these bitches hair.
-Amy is cuckoo for coco puffs! I knew it!  She is a massage therapist who says she is "an artist of the human body" and that "she wants a man that wants her to rub him"  Honey, if you can't find a single man that wants you rub him, there is no hope for you.  Even Snooki found a man that wants to be rubbed by her stumpy little orange fingers and got her pregnant. Eww just Eww.
-Nikki is super cute and may be some what normal.  She is a pediatric nurse and looks like former Bachelorette Ali. I was concerned she had a man face from her Bio picture but I retract my prior judgment. She is super cute, sweet and now a favorite of mine.
-Lauren- Oh Lauren, I knew your were going to be wildly entertaining.  This crazy bitch was engaged about a year ago until her fiancĂ© broke it off with her after 6 weeks, over the phone.......and she's obviously lying to herself that she is over it.  Girl needs a therapist stat!  Oh and to make matters worse, she has terrible acne marks. A therapist and a dermatologist.
-Val is nothing what I expected. Apparently there are small farm towns in southern California? She strolls by some goats and donkeys, and calls them ugly. "Ugly people need love too. Not only am I pretty, I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not afraid to scratch some eye balls" Ugh, she's cute but not as pretty as she thinks she is. She may be "country" but she's no southern belle.
-Lacy comes from a family of 13 with 9 of them being adopted with special needs AND she owns a couple elderly facilities…..and she’s only 25.  Yeah so what? I’m 30 with my very own blog about a superficial TV show.  Oh and she said “you are not fully dressed until you have a smile on your face”  I think she's got a few sprinkles of bat shit crazy locked away.
-Claire my current favorite gets the last promo spot.  Turns out that she is half Mexican and I think her odds with JP just skyrocketed.  Sorry I thought she was just a cute little blonde girl, turns out she is more ethnically diverse than I thought.  Oh, and her father passed away from brain cancer, but not before giving her a DVD for her future husband to watch, which she has refused to watch until then.  Yes it is super cheesy but I also find it adorable. I just really hope  the producers don't push her into showing JP, and all of America, unless they actually do get engaged. I'm pretty sure dead parents crosses the line.
OK finally! The moment we have all been waiting for! Limo Arrivals!
Limo #1-
Amy Long and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is stunning, sweet and has a big smile. And I seriously think she looks like Topanga from Boy meets World.  I think she will be sticking around for a while.
Cassandra Ferguson and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is a make-up artist and a former NBA dancer. After she introduces herself to JP, there is painful, awkward silence but I think he will keep her around a bit to see some dance moves.
She is pretty, not sure if she will stand out enough to make it far in the season. And what's with the tiara, or is that a headband? She looks very bridal, maybe that was the looks she was going for.

     Christine Llano and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She has some sort of accent, maybe Cuban? She works for the police which could be a good or bad thing. And she gave him a bracelet for his daughter, a sweet and smart gesture.
She brings a stethoscope so JP can listen to her heartbeat, oh and touch her boobs, she’s no dummy. JP bites his knuckle as she walks away towards the house.
Limo #2-
She also does something smart.  She asks JP to show are some Salsa dance moves, so he pulls her close and shows her a few steps, and he has a great view of her rack. As she walks away JP comments on how good she smells.
Not only is she the token black girl, she is also the one girl to wear a short dress.  She makes sure JP can pronounce her name Shhhhhhhaantal.
She is originally from Brazil, she does not know Spanish and he does not know Portuguese, but they are willing to teach each other.  I see a lot of chemistry here.

Bitch comes out with no shoes on, a floral headband, and a dress made out of bed sheets and gauze? I guarantee JP did not comment on how good she smells
She tells JP she has a surprise for him but that he will have to find her later to find out what it is.  Smart move on her part because I doubt he would have been looking for her otherwise.
      Lauren Solomon on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is not in the limo, instead she peddles up on a piano on wheels, while playing.  She hits a few wrong notes and is completely out of breath by the time she gets to JP, but it definitely gets her noticed.
*After all of that, she forgets to say her name, so he chases her down in the mansion to get it.  It’s a first!! The bachelor/bachelorette has never entered the mansion before all the limo’s have arrived.  And it shows JP is truly trying to learn their names, the ones he’s attracted to anyways*
Limo #3-
Creepy plant girl busts out 2 test tubes and some safety glasses and says she is going to do a chemistry experiment. She then tosses them into the bushes behind her and says “forget it, let’s make our own chemistry” Wow.  If you have to talk about having chemistry….you don’t have any.
Since she is from the so called country in California, she is rocking some cowboy boots with the formal dress.  It’s cute but she confuses me, she’s like a walking contradiction…those damn starburst commercials. She looks exotic but she’s from the country. Acts sweet but is a complete bitch.
Elise Mosca and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She’s not ugly but she has a man face. Meh

 Ashley Poe and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Ok she has a worst man face! Yikes! Next! She will not make it through tonight mark my words.
She comes out in a fake preggo bump! We obviously know it’s fake since they just showed us a promo clip and there was no bump. JP takes it in stride and I don’t think anyone is fooling him either.  She comes clean and JP thinks it’s cute.  Sure pregnancy isn’t a way you want to find a husband, but in this case it was light hearted and broke the ice. Hey JP DID say he wanted more kids ASAP lol.  He loves it and she says she is going to go inside and mess with some of the girls. Hells yes! She clearly doesn’t take herself too seriously and is still my Fav.
Limo #4-
She comes out with a soccer ball and they kick it back and forth. How can he not love that? And she's a nanny so she's good with kids.
 Amy Jokinen and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Her limo exit is very normal, she has been learning some Spanish so she tries it out on him.  Her dress is hideous though. What color is that? gold? metallic olive? puke chrome?
 Renee Oteri and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She immediately lets the cat out of the bag that she is a single mother, I guess this is the best season for that. JP loves it and even calls her Mommy as she walks away…or Mami? Spanish.
 Lauren Higginson and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
For a second she seemed so normal here, minus the constant pig face. But get a couple drinks in her and she a disaster by the end of the night. And Mineral Coordinator? No, bitch just has a few rocks loose.

Maggie Gantt and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She comes out with her cute southern drawl and gives him a fish hook and says she hopes he is her “Big Catch”. I’m thinking she’s got her reality dating shows mixed up, She should have applied for Sweet Home Alabama. (If you have not seen that show on CMT you definitely should, it’s a country Bachelorette)

What is with all these “occupations”? Free Spirit, Dog Lover? I’m apparently going about this whole life thing very wrong.  And I’ve already commented on Kelly’s dead, stripper eyes.
Limo #5-
 Lacy Faddoul and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She hands JP a prescription bottle and tells him it’s an Rx from cupid…..and he takes some pills!! They turn out to be red hots? But still JP, why are you taking pills from strangers!?!?
 Alexis Morgado and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
They speak Spanish to each other and he comments how cute she is when she walks away. Why would she not be a keeper, right?

 Kylie Lewis and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Baby pink dress, baby pink nails, baby pick lipstick, bright red hair! Girl is stuck at a prom in the 80's. He should have booted her right here.  And to top it off, she barely stopped to talk to him! Basically just kept walking toward the mansion.

Sharleen Joynt and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
You can tell Juan Pablo is taken aback by her.  He comments on how much he likes her dress (My husband also thought she had the best dress.  I mean it's pretty but not what I thought would be a guys favorite) He also loves how elegant she is.  She seems to have more class than any contestant before, even given Emily Maynard a run for her money. What is she even doing on this show I wonder?

Juan Pablo is also blown away by Andi.  She is stunning but that ombre hair is very....ombre? too much. But JP doesn't mind, He just keeps saying wow, wow, wow and can't take his eyes off her as she leaves.  There is so much sexual tension there it is ridiculous. Yeah she's going to make it to the fantasy suites I guarantee you.
Dang that was a lot of girls!  I think Juan Pablo may have the best looking cast yet, he has some crazies for sure, but overall, a good group of broads.  My guess on the First Impression Rose would be Andi. Or even Sharlene (elegant) or Clare (silly).
Cocktail Party!
 Juan Pablo heads inside and greets all the ladies who have been patiently waiting/getting hammered while he meets all of his other girlfriends. Sharleen is the only one to get up and offer JP a drink, since he is now very far behind in his intoxication level. Point Sharleen.
He says "I feel like a meat, like they want to eat me" as all the women sit and stare all googley eyed at him. "I feel like I'm naked" All the women wish you were JP, they wish you were. But he can't take it anymore, he's just gotta

dance! Apparently he can't wait a second longer to see if any of these girls have rhythm.  It's a little awkward at first, Dance Puppets Dance. But no one looks like a complete disaster yet.


New to this season....a photo booth! More candid drunk-eye shots!


Nikki is the first girl JP pulls away for some 1 on 1 time.  He needed a refresher on her name. Of course, Nikki the nurse, your heart. boom. boom. These too definitely have some chemistry, so she will be around for a while.

Him and Renee already have nicknames for each other- Mami and Papi. Ayi Papi! He remembered her sons name- Ben. It's cute and they bond on there shared experiences of surprise reproduction, and they make jokes about scoring and how one got past the goalie, opps lol!  Renee admits she married her ex BF she b/c she found out she was pregnant and they wanted to do the right thing. Can't fault her for that, but for whatever reason it didn't work out. She's growing on me.

Whats' that smell? oh that just Lucy sitting with her nasty bare feet in JP's lap.  And she's so in his face, I don't think this free spirit has a clue about personal space. JP looks unimpressed, "She's kinda crazy...with her bare feet all looking at me"
                              Lucy Aragon and Juan Pablo at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party


But that is nothing that is the disaster that is Amy J.  She somehow lured JP over to a massage table and lays him down.  She pours oil all over her hands, then continues to rub all over his........jacket. what?  All while moaning. JP is clearly freaked out and probably not happy about his greasy jacket. 
                             Amy Jokinen Gives Juan Pablo a Massage at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party


Chelsie pulls JP into the photobooth for their first pictures as a "couple", sure, just roll with it. She looks a little tipsy here, JP asks how many kids she wants and her response was "all of them, I want all of the children". yeah this is the creepy plant girl. And all of the photo booth pics end up coming out with her cropped out which I find hilarious. This relationship will not be worth documenting, sorry honey.


JP sits down with Elise and I don't know what it is about her but I zone out when she's on the screen. Next.

A lot of the girls start freaking out at this point, especially Lauren.  She complains that the other girls are all talking about their 1 on 1 time with Juan Pablo and she has yet to have any time with him. She asks the other girls how they got time with him. Girl stop your whining and go find him already! She works herself up into such a tear soaked, snotty messWell that's not the way you want to meet him!  Finally she some how scores some time with him and actually looks really composed?! She must be a professional crazy, he has no idea she had make-up running down her face 5 mins ago.  Of course she brings up her ex.  He also had a son and she fell in love with him too. Yes it's a horrible thing that happened to her but she needs to sort that stuff out before trying to find a husband.
A quick shot of the convo between Danielle and JP shows that she gave him a bear for Camilla. They also breeze though Lacy giving him a puzzle, but it's missing a piece...with represents her. Bitches be trying to hard!
JP gives Andi his jacket as they sit and chat. She says she's used to being in control, but is digging this new experience. When he finds out she's a lawyer he asks if she argues a lot? hahahaha valid question I guess. They tease each other and I was pretty sure she was going to get the First Impression Rose right here. but nope.

Maggie talks about how this is her first time flying.  Juan Pablo seemed to like that Sharleen is very cultured, so that's going to work to Maggie's disadvantage. Speaking of.......
Sharleen is next to talk with him and again he raves about her dress. He's never seen a dress like it before, she looks so elegant.  She talks about living in Germany and trying to be a vegetarian, which is hard because she will order pea soup and "there will literally be a wiener in it" and I'm rolling on the flooring laughing so hard. Damn those Germans putting wieners in everything! Ok get it together Jenn. Ok JP says that he loves how worldly she is (bye Mags) Sharleen admits she knows absolutely no Spanish, to which he replies: that's ok, I know a little bit of English. haha that was cute. He loves that he can actually carry on a conversation with her so he gives her his jacket and tells her to wait there.  We all know where he's headed, to get the First Impression Rose. Cut to a later interview which Sharleen confesses she was expecting to feel a little more insta-chemistry then she did and that if she's being totally honest,  it felt a little forced.  I can't say I hate her for this, she's being honest. In fact, the girls who say the LOVE Juan Pablo and want to marry him tonight are the crazy ones.  Cut back to her waiting for JP, He comes back, sees he's carrying the rose and she's like seriously? me?  Sharleen will you accept this rose.............. crickets........ seconds go by.......... looks like she's wants to say something.......feels like minutes......."Sure"........sure??? She is the most unenthusiastic First Impression Rose recipient ever. Sure? Then she keeps saying "thank you, Sir" Ugh! Sir! I'm cringing.  She went from having my vote to cringe worthy in 2.5 seconds.  I can't figure out if I like her. Sir, jeeze.
The other girls are of course jealous, but Sharleen continues her sudden awkwardness and looks depressed and keeps her head down.  Which pisses the girls off even more- "she doesn't even want it" "I wanted it more" blah blah blah.  Andi is actually nice about it and complements her.
Rose Ceremony
Of course Sharleen already has a rose. 
First he calls Clare(preggo), then Nikki(nurse, heart boom boom), Renee(son), Andi(duh), Ali(soccer ball), Chantal(token), Lauren S(piano), Kelly(and her dog Molly), *I'd be jealous that he called that Bitch first, no seriously, he called the dogs name too*
Next he calls Cassandra(awkward silence), Danielle (curly hair), Chelsie, Kylie, I said Kat. As Kylie mistakenly hears her name and they both come forward.
How embarrassing, ouch. Next- Victoria, Christie, Lucy and she does a twirl, Elise, and................all the remaining girls look like they are about to cry/pass out or both, except for Amy L who still have a huge, hopeful grin on her face. Kylie whispers that she feels like she's going to throw up and I so wish she would! The final rose goes to....Amy L!
So that means going home are-
Kylie-no surprise there
Amy J- I AM surprised she didn't get the axe even before the ceremony. Bitch take your oils and scram!
Ashley-that face, yikes. She should have just stayed in the limo.
Christine (green dress)- I'm a little shocked on this one. Blonde and had some sort of Hispanic accent.  Maybe her ties to the police her too close for JP's comfort.
Maggie-Since he gave Sharleen the FI rose because she is so travelled and worldly, I had a feeling she wouldn't last very long.
Lacy-I bet there was zero sexual chemistry here, I bet she smelled like moth balls.
Val- She was too conceded and JP probably saw that. But I didn't expect her to go home so soon.
Alexis- WTF?! She was GORGEOUS, lived in Miami and Cuban.....maybe JP has a think against Cubans. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
So my 10 top are-

1. Clare
2. Andi
3. Nikki
4. Victoria
5. Kat
6. Renee
7. Amy L
8. Ali
9. Christie

With the final 4 being Clare, Andi, Nikki and......Sharleen?

(All photos are courtesy of