Monday, January 6, 2014

The Countdown to Juan Pablo

Tonight’s episode was basically a sneak peak into this seasons Bachelor. It was a tasty little treat before the full course tomorrow night.
First up were some videos from the casting calls.  There were some ladies I didn’t recognize so they must have gotten cut, such as a chick who said she just lost her virginity 2 weeks ago……I wonder why she got cut hahaha.  Or maybe she found out she was pregnant, opps.  Another tells the camera “I don’t really have any talents, but I can stick my whole fist in my mouth.” And she proceeds to show us. 
Talent? More like a cry for attention.

And then there was this girl. no words
Maggie gets some screen time, she wasn’t in my initial top girls but I’m loving her southern accent (Southern women truly are the best) She also had never flown in a plane until now, I have a feeling she is going to stick around a bit and pop her helicopter cherry too.
Next Chris Harrison (and Producer Elan, who looks homeless but is extremely funny on) shows up to surprise some of the bachelorettes who made it on the show.  First up is Lucinda aka Lucy aka Occupation:Free Spirit, who apparently isn't as “free” as she says and works at some high end boutique it looks like.  So bitch does have a job, good for her.  When Harrison surprises her, she immediately jumps on him and wraps her legs around him………..oh I see what she means now by free spirit, she is just a whore.  I’m sure many many women would love to wrap their legs around Harrison too, but not when they JUST found out they will be dating Juan Pablo.
Chris rings Elise's doorbell and she comes to the door looking like she is about to go out for the night but it only looks like it’s 2 in the afternoon. 

Her hair and makeup were flawless and she conveniently had a cute little dress on.  If someone were to ring my doorbell at 2oclock in the afternoon on my day off, that’s if I even open the door, they would find me in yoga pants covered in pet hair, a messy bun and absolutely no makeup on, yeah I like to keep things sexy for my husband lol.  Anyways I’m pretty sure she knew they were coming.

Christy also gets a surprise visit and she genuinely looks shocked. She’s not all glammed up but looks natural and cute. I like her more here than I gave her credit for initially.  She calls all of her girl friends over to help her pack because apparently her flight is tonight.

Next is Lauren aka Blakely and she comes to the door. 

She is wearing black, thick framed glasses like she is a cool nerd but I bet you they are fake and she is just an idiot trying too hard.  And she squeals a lot, you’re not 12, Stop It!  I hate when grown women do that.  It’s one thing to get excited and do a little happy dance, it’s a complete other emit high pitched squeal that will make a man's ears bleed.  Can you tell I’m not a fan of hers already? Haha

Last they catch Alli while she is at lunch with coworkers or friends in downtown Chicago .  She then interviews complete strangers on the street about her being on the show?? Makes no sense, but that is the beauty of this show.

Next they showed clips of the ladies finding out it’s Juan Pablo who will be their bachelor this season and of course they are all glad it’s him.
Chelsie is learning Spanish which is smart.  If you are going on this show and you know for a fact that the bachelor speaks another language, you should learn that language.
Ok so we know JP is sexy, we got that.  What else?  He is 32, single dad and he’s the first ever latino bachelor, so suck it people who complained this show wasn’t diverse enough.  Sorry that white women are the primary audience for this show.  They run through a montage of shirtless JP on the beach, shirtless JP working, shirtless JP staring out into the horizon pondering what these bitches are going to look like.  Oh and JP was working out with what looked like a Monster Truck tire, you know, the norm.  Somewhere Grave Digger or Big Foot are missing a tire.

JP of course has a sexy accent but sometimes it can be hard to understand him so he said he was going to try and talk slower this season, and when he does, it comes out as a southern accent and it’s great!  Anyways JP was born in Ithaca, NY but his family moved back to Venezuela when he was 2.  He moved back to NY to play soccer in college, he went Pro.  Then his girlfriend at the time (insert pic) got pregnant and he retired at age 28 like everyone does, to raise his daughter.  I guess he’s not completely retired, just from pro sports, he is currently a sportscaster?
Just to put things in perspective, this is his ex girlfriend Carla Rodriguez-
Carla Rodriguez, Juan Pablo Galavis's Ex
Yeah drop dead gorgeous, she is a latin model and actress. But why didn’t these two gorgeous people not work out? Too much sexy in one house?  I would hate to follow in her shoes.
Then Juan goes to pick up his daughter and they play on the playground and ovaries across America are exploding by just how damn cute he is with her.  I guess you could even say they would be Pablotating.

Juan then heads to his family's home to introduce us to everyone-Marcutio, Baricio, Flantitio, Esmeralda, Camilla, and....Rudy, is he adopted?  His family is huge and I still have no idea who is who so I’m glad he cleared that up.  All of the food looks sooo good, I wouldn’t need to understand them, they are already speaking my language, FOOD!  My stomach understands them loud and clear.  Juan says he will be making the ladies some authentic spicy Venezuelan food and if they don’t like it they will get the axe apparently, all Henry VIII style.


Some of JP’s female cousins are sitting together talking about what type of girl is JP’s type.  Apparently he’s dated all kinds of different women- DJ’s, models, actresses, techaers……teachers? asks one cousin…..ok maybe not a teacher… JP has a type......shallow.

Another cousin wants JP to keep his shirt on the whole time so the women can focus and actually get to know him.  Pffffftttt keep his shirt on, she is now the most hated women in America , keep his shirt on, bitch please!  A cousin with some actual sense starts talking about how these women need to be on the treadmill while learning Spanish.  She needs to have a banging body and be able to communicate with him.  A male cousin tells him he needs to wait 15 mins in between making out, like swimming. He also says he needs to brush his teeth in between girls. Pretty spot on advice lol.  JP's sister drop the bomb that she is pregnant with her second child, way to steal his thunder sister!  Seriously, it’s a sweet moment and you can see how very close and loving this family is.
Side note: I saw a hideous and very unfortunate hand/wrist tattoo on JP. Finally! The man has a flaw!!!

Break out the tissue box because here comes the Gia Memorandum. Ugh she was possible one of the most beautiful women in the entire world and I mean that.

She had always been one of my favorite contestants.  Not only was she gorgeous but she was so sweet to everyone on the show and she wasn’t a psycho bitch like most of these women. She had a heart of gold.  I’m not even 100% sure why she was ever even on this show in the first place.  But yeah, she hung herself.  Why in the world would such a beautiful girl do that? I have no idea. I heard it was because her long term boyfriend had just broken up with her. She could have had almost any man in the world but ended her life because of some idiot.  I just don’t get it.
Ok enough of the sadness, time for “Coming up on the most exciting season of the Bachelor ever”-  yep season previews. Some highlights I saw-
Places- beaches, waterfalls, 2 of the girls flashing a city skyline,
cruise ships which means we will be going to Miami, and I also see oriental structures……China? Japan?

Or maybe a Polynesian island-Fuji, Thailand? 
The previews also show a ton of tears and drama....Here is Lauren crying

This years villain looks like it will be “Get a damn job” Lucy. My current favorite Claire also gets a lot of screen time, but looks like she’s part of some of the drama too, nooo! From these previews it looks like Claire, Nikki, Shayleen and Andi make it pretty far.  Of course these clips are heavily edited and they show you what they want you to see.  Also we have a freak out! Yes!

A crier in the bathroom, one of the ladies with dark brown hair is crying hysterically in a bathroom stall and shouts “I hope Juan Pablo dies” followed by a clip of JP getting fed up and walking out!  Either we have someone who doesn’t take rejection very well or we have our first ever Bachelor homicide!! This very well my be The. Most. Dramatic. Season. Ever.

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