Sunday, January 19, 2014

First Juan on Juan dates

The girl who can't keep her top on looks normal compared to the drunk hymen maneuver chick.
This week was so good! Drama and tears and drunken rants and more tears.
Sunday night was another Jaunuary special.  Mostly filler but we got to see the ladies who received roses move into the Bachelor McMansion and the ladies that didn’t, pack up their tear soaked prom dresses and head home.  Amy J looks the worst, like she really did stay up ALL night sobbing over a man she just met.  Did she really think she stood a chance?
On the special we also found out who gets the first Juan on Juan date (sorry I had too) it’s Clare! Currently my favorite. Why did they show us this Sunday instead of tonight? I don’t know, so if you only tuned in to tonight, you were probably confused by the lack of a date card. Oh and they also spoiled who is the bathroom crier who wants Juan Pablo to's Victoria!
So the episode starts right off with Juan Pablo picking up Clare for their date. He puts a blindfold on her and they head off.  She is super cute about it, not at all complaining about her eye make-up being ruined or hair getting creased from the blindfold like most women would do. JP pulls up and it is a Winter Wonderland. Clare is stoked.  They are really cute together, playing in the snow, sledding and ice skating, and Clare looks like a baby deer learning to walk.
Seriously, it's not that hard.
Cut to the mansion where Molly is fetching a date card. Can we have a house pet every season?? And no, crabs don’t count. Speaking of, Lucy is just hanging out topless with some of the other girls in the hot tub.
Kat gets the second 1 on 1 date this week and the other girls are clearly not amused.  
Back to Clare and JP, they have lost their clothes and are now getting hot and bothered in a hot tub.  JP thought her pregnancy joke last week was cute and fun and showed that she was easy going.  Meanwhile Clare is just trying to control herself around a literally hot and steamy JP.  She talks about her dad passing away and how she was a daddy's girl.  Of course JP eats it up, I can be your new daddy. Clare gets the date rose, duh! And they head over to the first concert of the season by someone nobody has ever heard of.  They make out-she gets the first kiss of the season. JP starts out wearing a jacket, cut to singer, cut back to JP….he’s shirtless again. Not that I’m complaining but that fake snow has to be chilly, especially wearing a wet bathing suit. 
Oh, they are standing on the jacket since they are barefoot.  That’s the equivalent of a man removing their jacket so the lady doesn’t have to step in a puddle, which I have only ever seen in the movies….many many years ago.  JP is proving himself to be an actual gentleman.  But I have to point out that she always sounds like she is about to burst out in tears. But regardless, I really like these two together, she will make it to the final 4/aka fantasy suites.
Kat gets the second 1 on 1 date, JP picks her up but no blindfold this time.  They drive to the airport and Kat thinks they are going somewhere exotic and romantic-“I could get used to jet setting with my latin lover” ahahaha sorry toots, it’s Salt Lake City, Utah. JP has a change of neon clothes for her.  Surprise! They will be running in the Electric Run, which is basically a 5k with glow sticks and neon lights. 
 This is possibly the worst date ever.  I don’t mind EDM music, it’s not my favorite, and I love all the lighting (my husbands speciality) But running?? Ugh, I don’t run unless I’m being chased. And running with thousands of other people? That’s seems worse than rush hour, people all up on your ass, people in your way, people running into you, no thanks.  After running 5k they dance like raver kids and make their way to stage. 
They dance on stage, and genuinely look like they are having a blast.
Of course Kat gets the rose because she has the moves like Jagger. But she does not get a kiss on this date, granted they are standing in front of thousands of people, but when has JP ever been shy??
*Random piece of info, this was filmed around Thanksgiving as you can see a Thanksgiving tower??*
Group date- Chelsie, Kelly, Cassandra, Renee, Christie, Andi, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Elise, Nikki , Victoria and Lucy.  Which means Amy L, Sharleen and Danielle get no dates this week.  Lucy is so excited about her date she can barely keep her clothes on
Seriously? What's wrong with this chick?? I guess one would call this "lack of home training".  JP takes his herd of chicks to a warehouse for a photo shoot.  Reminds me of Americas Next Top Model, except I think the girls are actually prettier here.  The ladies are posing with dogs for a charity Mutts and Models. "Dog Lover" Kelly has got to be in heaven right now. Each of the girls gets paired up with a dog and hands an outfit. Most of the girls will be wearing swimsuits or dresses but Elise and Andi find out they will be completely nude.  Of course both of them worry about what their employers will think- Elise is a first grade teacher and Andi works for an attorney.  Kelly thinks they are both being ridiculous because she has to look like this, and she has a point.

 Andi freaks out and pouts, while Elise actually uses that thing in her skull taking up space and asks the chick who can’t keep her clothes on the switch with her. Easy fix. Lucy immediately strips down and then proceeds to walk the streets of LA completely naked.
 How did she not get arrested?? Anyways, Andi continues to worry about being naked until JP comes over and is like “Hey, I’ll be naked too and it’s for the puppies”. Done, she’s in!
So did all the ladies on this date see his little Juan??
The group date has only just begun!  They have a rooftop cocktail party.  Cassandra gets the first alone time and she’s all nervous to drop the bomb that she has a kid, umm hello?!?! Has she not heard about Camila?? Sorry Cass, JP is the only one allowed to have a kid around here.  Of course he loves the fact that she got knocked up at 18…..she’s  21 with a 2 year old….plus 9 months.  The other mommy Renee is next with JP. During their photo shoot, they were oozing chemistry and so close to kissing, but now Renee chickens out on the real kiss.  I don’t think that hurt her at all though, JP is loving him some Renee at the moment.  I think she will have plenty of time to get that first kiss.  Oh, and her and her son Ben have keeping journals for each other while they are away.   I like Renee more and more each week.
Now for the best part of the whole episode! Victoria was a front runner for me, I figured having a South American background would attract JP.  She looked like a cute girl, not showing any signs of psycho. I was so wrong.  Victoria got HAMMERED at the group date cocktail party.  While JP is off spending time with each girl except for her, Victoria is downing champagne and twerking in the hot tub.
Here are some gems that came out of this messes mouth-
 “I'm going to straddle him everyday……that’s what life is all about, straddling people, and things.”
"I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch"
“Juan Pablo loves fun, I’m fun”
“I’m not drunk, I’ve only had one drink, this is how I am sober”
And the greatest quote from the Bachelor of All Time- “Today I gave him the Hymen Maneuver”  I can’t.
Some of the girls try to talk some sense into her but we all know that the only effective thing would be a baseball bat. Andi doesn’t want JP to see Victoria like this, and I don’t think Andi gets this show, sweety you WANT her to make an ass of herself and get sent home. Victoria drunkly stumbles all over the hotel looking for JP, who is talking to Nikki and oblivious to the champagne disaster that is coming his way. She sees them together then goes and cries in the bathroom. I don’t get it, was she jealous? Did she forget JP is dating all the women in the house?? Regardless of what sent her into a downward spiral, she is a mess.  Not only does she go into the bathroom BAREFOOT! Ewww but she SITS down next to the toilet while still wearing that wet bikini bottom. Ladies, you know this is wrong on so many levels. Renee, the loving mother, comes to comfort her.  She brilliantly uses a  towel to slide underneath the door to get in the locked stall and for the love of God, tries to get Victoria to sit on the towel not the bathroom floor! Victoria says she has had enough and wants to go home......right this second, so she heads for the elevator. Producer Elan has to stop her because she's still barefoot in her bikini, with no money or ID or sense. 
 They can't just let her walk the streets like that.  She doesn't get her way so she runs back to the bathroom a sobbing mess. 
JP meanwhile still has no clue what's going on. Lucy, who comes off looking normal here, is the one to interrupt JP and say hey, you might want to handle this.  He goes into the ladies bathroom and stands outside the locked stall trying to talk to her. But she's just crying not saying anything back. JP is all like fuck this, I have 12 other girls on this date that actually want to talk to me. And he leaves her in the stall.
He goes back to the ladies, basically Victoria is being a psycho so she can stay her ass in the bathroom, Kelly will you accept this rose? I thought Andi would get it here since she "overcame" her fear of nudity. But nope JP must have felt bad for making her dress up as a dog and didn't hear her complain. And with that JP has had enough women tears, he tells them to get Victoria home safe so he can talk to her tomorrow....aka give her the boot.
Turns out Victoria never made it back to the mansion, she is still at the hotel. The women were probably like screw that, she can find her own way home. JP goes to talk to her and she barely shows any remorse.
 "I guess I over reacted and I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train, welcome to Brazil!" what?? and it doesn't get better "I drank too much and I guess I could have been a little more adult about it." JP already has his mind made up. He's looking for a step-mom, not another child. He sends her home right then. Her hangover from hell just got a lot worse.
Ok now time for the real cocktail party for the rose ceremony.  Wait, who's that bitch? Security! We have a rabid fan crashing the party!
Oh that's that Danielle chick, she straightened her hair. Ok false alarm.
Juan Pablo breaks the news that he kicked Victoria to the curb.  He grabs Amy L first since she didn't get a date this week.  She uses this precious time wisely, and by wisely, I mean terribly wrong.  She does a mock news report, I mean, it's cute and she's not terrible but she is clearly trying to promote her career.    
Hint, hint ABC.  She should have held an actual conversation with him.  Sharleen apologizes to JP for her rude reaction of the first impression rose, she was just shocked and still very nervous around him. Of course JP loves it, he's so smitten with her that he didn't even notice. Meanwhile, we may have another meltdown on our hands! Cassandra is wigging out because she misses her son. Bitch it's only week 2! There's still a long way to go. Renee has to put her mommy britches on again and console another train wreck. I'm going to need Renee's number so I can call her on my bad days. Ok Thanks!  JP finds out he has another bathroom crier.  He's just relived that she's not drunk, just missing her son. Of course JP can relate, he has been in the exact same spot so he calms her nerves. I must say JP has been a stand up guy so far!  Sure he just wants to dance and have fun, but he's doesn't play around with drama and bull shit. 
Rose Ceremony-  No amazing goof ups like last week.  Kat, Clare and Kelly already have roses. Cassandra gets the first rose to show that he really wants her to stay. Then Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy, Danielle, Ali, Chelsie, Lauren and Christie.
That means Amy L and Chantal are out!  Amy was such a beautiful girl but she should have been interviewing to be a wifey/stepmom. And I like her even more when she doesn't cry when she gets the boot. Unlike Chantal who is very upset, let's face it, did anyone really expect Chantal to make it any further? 

My Top Girls-

I don't think Danielle will make it much further and I think JP will get tired of Lucy's naked antics really quick.  Also Chelsie still has crazy locked away I know it. Christie, Ali, and Lauren have hardly had any screen time so far, could they be sleeper contestants like Catherine was for Sean?? Maybe.

Next week looks like Cassandra gets a one on one date and Juan Pabs takes his group date girls to a soccer field where some of the girls see Sharleen kiss JP. The claws are about to come out!!!

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