Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Bachelor Juan Pablo Week 3

Tits McGee is out, that alien chick is still in, Juan Pablo sprays all over the girls and Elise is STILL whining about Chelsie. 

Sunday was a recap of all the successful Bachelor/Bachelorette couples.  Of course there is Trista & Ryan Sutter from the very first Bachelorette
They are such a cute couple and *gasp* they actually have fights every now and then.  They show their 10 year vow renewal. So Sweet.

Next we see Jason and Molly Mesnick from the Bachelor season 13
and their torrential downpour of a wedding, that's what you get when you pick one girl (Melissa Rycroft) but change your mind after the finale and pick the runner up. Hey, it must have worked for these crazy kids because they do look happy and are making babies.

Since we are in Seattle, we pop on by Des and Chris from last season.
Des has moved to Seattle to be with Chris and opened her own dress shop there. They are still mushy sweet and I'm positive they exchange lovey dovey poems on a daily basis.

Ashley and JP from Bachelorette season 7
They have been married for a little over a year and announced they are trying for a baby. Awwww Good Luck to those two!

Then there is Deanna and Stephen Stagliano
.....who was never on the Bachelor but his twin brother Michael was a fan favorite, and mine! She is from Brad Womack's 1st go round on the Bachelor season 11. She then went on to be the Bachelorette for season 4, which Jason Messnick was a runner up and he went on to be the Bachelor. They have a baby on the way #BabyStag. 

Of course they have to talk about Sean and Catherine who are airing their wedding live next sunday.  I can't wait for these two to consummate their relationship already and shut the hell up about it!

Side note- I heard that Holly and Blake from the Bachelor Pad were also going to get a spot on tonight's couples recaps but nope. Probably because no one likes them anyways.  Holly was engaged to fan favorite Michael Stagliano, the twin brother mentioned above who was actual on this show, from Jullian Harris season 5.  While on the Bachelor Pad together, they break up, she starts hooking up with Blake from season 7- Ashley's season.  They are now married.

Ok, now on to tonight's actual show!

Cassandra gets the first one on one day this week.  She's the one who was crying last week because she misses her son.  So basically he is taking her out on a date to really see if it is worth her missing her son over.  I think she is just too young at 21, kid or not, but that's just me. She meets him at the beach, they hop in a jeep/dune buggy looking car and drive past the marina and Cass is convinced they are going on a yacht.  Not quite toots, JP has a better idea and drives the vehicle straight into the water. 

Surprise it's a boat too! Not just a boat but a kick ass full speed boat

Cass says this is her first date in 3 she hasn't been on a date since she was 18 before she got knocked up.  No way she is ready to be a step mom and have more kids right away like JP does.  She would have 3 kids before she was 24, yikes. Not Ready. 

The jeep boat looks like so much fun!  They tear ass though the waves.  Then pull over and swim for a bit, making out in the water.  All the adrenaline got little Juan all worked up huh?

Cut back to the mansion-Elise is talking about her mom, she was her best friend.  She got skin cancer, her dying wish was for her to be on the Bachelor. THAT was her dying wish?? wow ok.

Back to the date, it's night time and they are at JP's place.  Camila is with the grandparents so they can let loose.  He is cooking pasta and busts out into slow dance half way through. It's awkward, not that they are bad dancers, she was a professional dancer for crying out loud (well until she got knocked up) She looks like she is trying to get the steps down really quick and JP looks like he wants to hump her really quick

Date Card! Back at the mansion, Kelly thinks she is getting a 1 on 1 since she got the group date rose last week. Wrong Dead Eyes! Her name is first on the group date card, then Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christie, Lucy, and Nikki.  That means Clare, Kat, Elise and Chelsie are left to get the last 1 on 1.  Clare  and Kat had their dates last week so a guaranteed no date for them, sorry thats the downfall to having the very first dates, it's a long time before it's your turn again. So it's down to Elise or Chelsie, two blonde teachers.  I don't care for either of them and doubt they will make it far. Like I've said before, Chelsie looks like she has crazy hidden not so deep down inside and Elise, meh, she's not very cute or interesting.

Back to Cass and JP, they are feeding each other desserts. Cass reminds us (us the viewers, not necessarily JP) again she hasn't had a date since she was 18, since basically high school!! Yeah, marriage material right here.  JP is all Daaaayum she's beautiful, it's obvious they have crazy chemistry but she's just not ready.  They show each other pictures of their kids so of course she gets rose. They have crazy chemistry, she is a mother, she can dance, but I just don't think he's realized just yet that this chick hasn't had a date since High School!!

Group Date!  This is Sharleens first date yet, she got the first impression rose. The ladies all meet JP over at the Galaxy soccer stadium and of course they will be playing soccer! Apparently Ali has also played soccer all her life, she came out of the limo on the first night with a soccer ball but I thought it was just to impress him. She has barely gotten any screen time so know nothing about her besides the fact that she's a nanny. Andi is whining again that she isn't good at soccer, she had the nude complaint last week, she's starting to get on my nerves.  Nikki is just having fun and looks like a pro out there. Kelly isn't very coordinated and Sharleen has never wore cleets in her life. 

The girls are split into 2 teams-
Blue Team-                                            Red Team-
Renee                                                    Nikki
Sharleen                                                Ali
Christie                                                  Kelly
Andi                                                      Danielle
Lauren                                                   Lucy

Blue Team comes out all skippy and cheesy, Red Team comes out all serious and intimidating.  Red Team has the clear advantage, Kelly should just sit on the sidelines and be the mascot.  Blue team scores first, but the Red Team gets fired up. Sharleen takes a ton of balls to the face but is a good sport about it.  The red team is killing the blue team so bad that JP steps in to help the Blue team. Even JP pummels Sharleen, she's worse than Kelly! Red Team wins, duh. The winners get..........nothing. Usually the losing team has to go back to the mansion and the winning team gets to continue on to the later part of the date. But not this season! JP is too nice, he wants to spend time with everyone. Instead he sprays them all...............with champagne and they hit the locker rooms to change.

Apparently that takes 5 hours because it is now night time at the stadium.  Nikki is the first to get some alone time, I really think JP has a big crush on Nikki. He's always touching her (especially her forehead??)
and listens very closely when she talks and he likes her sexy tattoo hahaha.  She admits that she's nervous and always worries about how much time she will get with him, but tonight she was worry free and comfortable.  She hasn't kissed him yet but I think that will play in her favor.  Andi and JP raid the closed concession stand, then sneak into the back kitchen to make out.  Health code violation anyone? The kitchen sanitation grade has just gone down.

Back to the mansion.  Elise is worrying about who is getting the last date this week, her or Chelsie.  She thinks Chelsie is too young.   The Date card finally comes, Elise just gets too excited about these date cards, calm down girl.  Of course Chelise gets the date since they show Elise feigning for it. Again she says she thinks Chelsie is too and not ready to be a stepmom.
Back at the stadium, JP gets more alone time with each of the girls.  And considering stadiums are round and this one is empty, they can all pretty much see each other at all times. Very Awkward. Ali says she wants 4 or 5 kids, a little soccer team. Of course that's what Juan Pablo wants to hear. Danielle talks about how she was adopted when she was 2 days old, where is this chick from? outerspace?

Next JP brings Sharleen out into the middle of the field, ya know, the focal point of the whole stadium, the place pretty much every seat in the house can see. And he kisses her! remember that little tid bit of advice Sean gave him about not kissing in front of the other girls? yeah that's shot all to hell.  Of course the other girls already don't like her because she got the first impression rose and was ungrateful about it.  And the kiss starts pretty awkward, Sharleen is all tense
She's all tongue tied but finally spits out that she wants a redo and she kisses him this time not as weird.  I guess Sharleen is finally starting to like him back.  The girls are all jealous, Andi is upset because she just kissed him, do these bitches seriously not watch this show? He kisses pretty much all of you! back to back!  All the girls are sure Sharleen will be the one to get the group date rose, but nope, it's Nikki! And she hasn't even kissed him yet! See Ladies. Sharleen is of course upset, she says it surprises and bothers her that she cares as much as she does.  She is so wishy washy, she doesn't even know what she wants.

Juan Pabs comes to pick up Chelsie for her 1 on 1 date.  Elise is sitting there as he comes in and he apologizes to her for not giving her a date this week.  She of course forgives him and she tells herself she is just going to focus on the fact that he talked to her first and that connection they have..............yeah, as he walks out of the door holding another womans hand, yeah sure he likes you. Anyways, they drive off and JP pops in some latino music.  I doubt Chelsie can understand a word but she's all I Love This! and starts dancing like an idiot.

Cut back to the mansion and Elise is STILL talking about Chelsie.  "She just seems like a baby" she says to 21 year old Cassandra.  What? Chelsie is 24, while Elise is 27.  Elise is literally talking to the youngest person in the house right now and how JP needs someone older and more mature.  I completely agree but Elise is wasting too much energy worrying about Chelsie. LET IT GO! She is obvisously threatned by this yongner, blonder teacher. "I don't think she's a woman, I think she's a little girl, so I'm not to worried or scared, she'll end up going home" yeah? then why are you still talking about it?

Chelsie and JP stop by a Venezuelan restaurant and she loves it. After stuffing their stomachs full of food, they go jump of a bridge.  No literally, JP has taken Chelsie to go bungee jumping.  Not my thing, nope, no way.  Chelsie freaking out too.  The bungee guy is no help either-"Don't worry, just let gravity do it's thing" Ummmm yeah that's the point. Gravity is a hell of a bitch and can snap that cord.  She really is freaking out and JP is trying to get her to do it. They go up to the ledge, she chicken out, they take a breather, they try it again, same thing, she wants to get back down. 45 minutes later he says she doesn't have to it and that's when she finally decides she wants to do it and they jump. What?  this whole time she didn't want to jump, then he says she doesn't have to and she miraculously wants to do it all of a sudden. weirdo. They finally jump, no one hits the cement below and I'm a little disappointed in gravity at the moment.  They kiss upside down all spidermany and they think they have chemistry but that just the adrenaline talking.  That night they go to dinner at.......the city hall in Pasadena? nothing scream romance like city hall.  Chelsie says her whole family is full of dentist and doctors but she just loves children and wanted to be a teacher.  Even though these two have zero chemistry how can he send her home after that? She will stick around for at least another week.

Ugh, Are we seriously cutting back to Elise AGAIN! and you guessed it, she's stiiiiiiiill talking about Chelsie.   "I look at her as a little girl, I couldn't imagine her raising a little daughter"  I don't get it, why is Elise so bothered by Chelsie, sure she's weird but she's a school teacher and she can keep her top on.  Why is Elise not bitching about Lucy? Now SHE is someone who doesn't need to be raising a daughter.  "Do you even know how old she is?" She asks Kat, who replies "I think 25 or 26, why how old are you?"  Elise looks dumbfounded and quietly replies- 27. Kats face says it all-
Juan Pablo gives the date rose the Chelsie, of course, he can't make her jump of a bridge then give her the boot.  Then they go to a concert, from someone I actually know! What! But I listen to country so if you don't you probably have no idea who Billy Currington is.  He sings "Hey girl" and they dance. It's cute, they are fun together. I think he may want to like her more since she's a teacher and great with kids but there is no chemistry.

The next day bright and early, Juan Pablo shows up to the mansion to cook the girls an authentic Venezuelan breakfast and see with these chicks really look like in the morning.  Kelly is the first to get up since Molly has to go out to pee.  She sees JP and acts like she is just hideous or something. 
She's wearing glasses, pajamas, knee high socks and her hair in a bun. cute, but she doesn't think so, she says her grandmother always told her not to let a man see you without your face on. Never? opps, I guess I broke that rule.  So and heads back up stairs to change and warn the other girls. Why?? I don't know. I wouldn't say a word, let some of these bitches come down stairs with morning breath and yesterdays makeup. ewww. Renee comes down next, if she got the warning she doesn't care because she comes down with no make up, hair all a mess and looks fine!!  Ladies you are not supposed to be all dolled up in the morning!!  Eventually all the ladies make their way down stairs not looking terrible or really done up either.  JP espaucally comments on how cute Clare looked.  They all eat and it looks delicious!!  Even Molly gets in on the yummy goodness

Juan Pablo then goes all Chris Harrison on everyone by tinking on a glass to gather the ladies in the living room.
He announces there will be not cocktail party tonight, but instead a pool party!  Everyone in their bikinis and to the pool pronto! Juan Pablo is the first to jump in the pool, with Lucy, Chelsie, and Danielle all jumping in right after. Cassandra obivouusly doesn't want to get her hair wet so she immedialty evacuates the splash zone. 

Most of the girls eventually end up in the pool except Cass, Kelly, Sharleen and Clare.  Kat is being loud and having a great time, it's a freaking pool party! Loosen up people. 
The other girls start to judge her because she is up on JP shoulders wrestling in the pool.
I don't see what the problem is?  Then when Kat does get her alone time, her and JP walk past the other girls to get to a secluded area, which Sharleen thinks is so rude and terrible.
Where else was she supposed to walk? Plus Sharleen made out with JP in the middle of a soccer field where all the girls could see. So yeah Sharleen and Kelly hate Kat now. When it is finally her time with JP, Sharleen is very standoffish. He asks her how she's doing and she her reply is a short "ok, you?" He's like just ok? "yeah ok, you?" He knows something is up, she goes on to say she's tired of all the cameras in her face all the time, staring into her soul.  Ok, it's official, Sharleen has never seen this show before guys!  She starts to cry and JP comforts her. She's starting to crack under all this pressure and I don't think she will last much longer.  I think Juan Palbo will keep her around but I think she will send herself home.  They make out and some of the other girls see. Now it's Clare turn to cry and be jealous. It's a vicious cycle! Clare is quiet about it though, she excuses herself and gives herself a minute in the bathroom.  Someone is crying in the bathroom so Renee's motherly beacon has gone off and she's there to comfort her friend. The difference between Clare and Sharleen is that Clare actual likes JP and Sharleen is a little culture shocked.  Clare gets herself together pretty quickly, meanwhile Andi tells Sharleen that Clare is jealous and freaking out over her kiss. Ugh way to exaggerate and start drama Andi.  They think she's a ticking time bomb. Hello pot, meet kettle. Clare talks with Juan Palbo and expresses her fears. She basically has the first date curse, she got the very first date, had a blast, caught some feeling, and now has to sit back while other girls get their dates and fall for him as well.  Juan Pablo tells her not to worry.

Rose Ceremony-
Nikki, Chelsie and Cassandra already have roses.  I think Danielle and Christie are going home tonight.

Final rose goes to..............Danielle?!?!?  What? how is this girl still around?  So that means Lucy and Christie are going home. Christie I knew because she hasn't had any screen time (neither has Lauren but she's a music composer, and we know JP likes elegant, classy women)  But I was a little surprised by Lucy.  I knew she wouldn't last much longer but I was sure the producers would keep her around longer for drama.

My Top 4 are-

I like Renee more but I think JP likes Andi more, but she has been a whiny bitch these past 2 episodes.  And I think Sharleen is the ticking time bomb waiting to send her own self home.

Next week Juan Pablo and the girls head off the South Korea. Looks like Sharleen gets a date and we finally get to hear her sing.  And it looks like the claws are coming out, especially between my 2 favorites Nikki and Clare.

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