Thursday, January 9, 2014

Bachelor- Juan Pablo meets the Ladies

The Good, The Bad and The Crazy Eye
The new season has officially kicked off and boy is it entertaining! It's ridiculous how stoked I am to watch these poor misguided souls go about looking for love in these absurd situations! 
They do the usual montage of shirtless Juan Pablo on the beach, shirtless Juan Pablo toweling off from a shower.  They have flown Camilla out to LA to be with her Dad while he is filming, JP's mom and dad are also in town so she can stay with her grandparents at night while JP goes out and dates 27 women. The last Bachelor, Sean, makes an appearance to give JP some advice, who is worried that he will not be able to remember all of his girlfriends names. To which Sean replies: "that's ok, just tell them you are terrible with names". Too many hoe's to keep straight, I guess. Nothing makes a girl feel more special than a guy forgetting her name or that he meets too many women to remember. Sean also cautions that the ladies will do some crazy stuff to stand out on the first night, he should just go with it. Peeps, this is what you would call foreshadowing. Oh, and of course when making out with a chick, do NOT do it where the other ladies can see. This will cause an all out drama fest with tears and hair flying everywhere. Better yet, Yes JP let them see!!
Lastly, Sean says to keep an open mind. To not pick his final girls right away because it will all change. Sean says Catherine wasn't even on his radar until the 3-4 weeks, now they are about to be married this month.  I'm torn on this, yeah it's sweet but is it really?? I had so many other hotter women that I didn't even notice you.  I caught my husbands eye before I even got all the way in the door. 
Ok after all that filler, JP tucks Camilla into bed and heads off to find her a new mommy.
Wait, more filler. Some of the "lucky" ladies get extra screen time before the limo arrivals.  These are usually reserved for the front runners, the desperate, and the criminally insane. 
-Chelsie spews the normal blabber about being ready for love blah blah. But she does peer strangely and rather humorously through some plants                 
-Renee strolls on a beach and instead of mentioning the many similarities they have like living in Florida and oh, having a kid......she says "He is totally my type, he's super attractive." smh.
-Andi on the other hand MIGHT have some sense.  She is a gang prosecutor, beauty and brains, and her footage of the courtroom is so fake, faker than most of these bitches hair.
-Amy is cuckoo for coco puffs! I knew it!  She is a massage therapist who says she is "an artist of the human body" and that "she wants a man that wants her to rub him"  Honey, if you can't find a single man that wants you rub him, there is no hope for you.  Even Snooki found a man that wants to be rubbed by her stumpy little orange fingers and got her pregnant. Eww just Eww.
-Nikki is super cute and may be some what normal.  She is a pediatric nurse and looks like former Bachelorette Ali. I was concerned she had a man face from her Bio picture but I retract my prior judgment. She is super cute, sweet and now a favorite of mine.
-Lauren- Oh Lauren, I knew your were going to be wildly entertaining.  This crazy bitch was engaged about a year ago until her fiancé broke it off with her after 6 weeks, over the phone.......and she's obviously lying to herself that she is over it.  Girl needs a therapist stat!  Oh and to make matters worse, she has terrible acne marks. A therapist and a dermatologist.
-Val is nothing what I expected. Apparently there are small farm towns in southern California? She strolls by some goats and donkeys, and calls them ugly. "Ugly people need love too. Not only am I pretty, I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not afraid to scratch some eye balls" Ugh, she's cute but not as pretty as she thinks she is. She may be "country" but she's no southern belle.
-Lacy comes from a family of 13 with 9 of them being adopted with special needs AND she owns a couple elderly facilities…..and she’s only 25.  Yeah so what? I’m 30 with my very own blog about a superficial TV show.  Oh and she said “you are not fully dressed until you have a smile on your face”  I think she's got a few sprinkles of bat shit crazy locked away.
-Claire my current favorite gets the last promo spot.  Turns out that she is half Mexican and I think her odds with JP just skyrocketed.  Sorry I thought she was just a cute little blonde girl, turns out she is more ethnically diverse than I thought.  Oh, and her father passed away from brain cancer, but not before giving her a DVD for her future husband to watch, which she has refused to watch until then.  Yes it is super cheesy but I also find it adorable. I just really hope  the producers don't push her into showing JP, and all of America, unless they actually do get engaged. I'm pretty sure dead parents crosses the line.
OK finally! The moment we have all been waiting for! Limo Arrivals!
Limo #1-
Amy Long and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is stunning, sweet and has a big smile. And I seriously think she looks like Topanga from Boy meets World.  I think she will be sticking around for a while.
Cassandra Ferguson and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is a make-up artist and a former NBA dancer. After she introduces herself to JP, there is painful, awkward silence but I think he will keep her around a bit to see some dance moves.
She is pretty, not sure if she will stand out enough to make it far in the season. And what's with the tiara, or is that a headband? She looks very bridal, maybe that was the looks she was going for.

     Christine Llano and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She has some sort of accent, maybe Cuban? She works for the police which could be a good or bad thing. And she gave him a bracelet for his daughter, a sweet and smart gesture.
She brings a stethoscope so JP can listen to her heartbeat, oh and touch her boobs, she’s no dummy. JP bites his knuckle as she walks away towards the house.
Limo #2-
She also does something smart.  She asks JP to show are some Salsa dance moves, so he pulls her close and shows her a few steps, and he has a great view of her rack. As she walks away JP comments on how good she smells.
Not only is she the token black girl, she is also the one girl to wear a short dress.  She makes sure JP can pronounce her name Shhhhhhhaantal.
She is originally from Brazil, she does not know Spanish and he does not know Portuguese, but they are willing to teach each other.  I see a lot of chemistry here.

Bitch comes out with no shoes on, a floral headband, and a dress made out of bed sheets and gauze? I guarantee JP did not comment on how good she smells
She tells JP she has a surprise for him but that he will have to find her later to find out what it is.  Smart move on her part because I doubt he would have been looking for her otherwise.
      Lauren Solomon on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She is not in the limo, instead she peddles up on a piano on wheels, while playing.  She hits a few wrong notes and is completely out of breath by the time she gets to JP, but it definitely gets her noticed.
*After all of that, she forgets to say her name, so he chases her down in the mansion to get it.  It’s a first!! The bachelor/bachelorette has never entered the mansion before all the limo’s have arrived.  And it shows JP is truly trying to learn their names, the ones he’s attracted to anyways*
Limo #3-
Creepy plant girl busts out 2 test tubes and some safety glasses and says she is going to do a chemistry experiment. She then tosses them into the bushes behind her and says “forget it, let’s make our own chemistry” Wow.  If you have to talk about having chemistry….you don’t have any.
Since she is from the so called country in California, she is rocking some cowboy boots with the formal dress.  It’s cute but she confuses me, she’s like a walking contradiction…those damn starburst commercials. She looks exotic but she’s from the country. Acts sweet but is a complete bitch.
Elise Mosca and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She’s not ugly but she has a man face. Meh

 Ashley Poe and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Ok she has a worst man face! Yikes! Next! She will not make it through tonight mark my words.
She comes out in a fake preggo bump! We obviously know it’s fake since they just showed us a promo clip and there was no bump. JP takes it in stride and I don’t think anyone is fooling him either.  She comes clean and JP thinks it’s cute.  Sure pregnancy isn’t a way you want to find a husband, but in this case it was light hearted and broke the ice. Hey JP DID say he wanted more kids ASAP lol.  He loves it and she says she is going to go inside and mess with some of the girls. Hells yes! She clearly doesn’t take herself too seriously and is still my Fav.
Limo #4-
She comes out with a soccer ball and they kick it back and forth. How can he not love that? And she's a nanny so she's good with kids.
 Amy Jokinen and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Her limo exit is very normal, she has been learning some Spanish so she tries it out on him.  Her dress is hideous though. What color is that? gold? metallic olive? puke chrome?
 Renee Oteri and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She immediately lets the cat out of the bag that she is a single mother, I guess this is the best season for that. JP loves it and even calls her Mommy as she walks away…or Mami? Spanish.
 Lauren Higginson and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
For a second she seemed so normal here, minus the constant pig face. But get a couple drinks in her and she a disaster by the end of the night. And Mineral Coordinator? No, bitch just has a few rocks loose.

Maggie Gantt and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She comes out with her cute southern drawl and gives him a fish hook and says she hopes he is her “Big Catch”. I’m thinking she’s got her reality dating shows mixed up, She should have applied for Sweet Home Alabama. (If you have not seen that show on CMT you definitely should, it’s a country Bachelorette)

What is with all these “occupations”? Free Spirit, Dog Lover? I’m apparently going about this whole life thing very wrong.  And I’ve already commented on Kelly’s dead, stripper eyes.
Limo #5-
 Lacy Faddoul and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
She hands JP a prescription bottle and tells him it’s an Rx from cupid…..and he takes some pills!! They turn out to be red hots? But still JP, why are you taking pills from strangers!?!?
 Alexis Morgado and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
They speak Spanish to each other and he comments how cute she is when she walks away. Why would she not be a keeper, right?

 Kylie Lewis and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
Baby pink dress, baby pink nails, baby pick lipstick, bright red hair! Girl is stuck at a prom in the 80's. He should have booted her right here.  And to top it off, she barely stopped to talk to him! Basically just kept walking toward the mansion.

Sharleen Joynt and Juan Pablo on The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere
You can tell Juan Pablo is taken aback by her.  He comments on how much he likes her dress (My husband also thought she had the best dress.  I mean it's pretty but not what I thought would be a guys favorite) He also loves how elegant she is.  She seems to have more class than any contestant before, even given Emily Maynard a run for her money. What is she even doing on this show I wonder?

Juan Pablo is also blown away by Andi.  She is stunning but that ombre hair is very....ombre? too much. But JP doesn't mind, He just keeps saying wow, wow, wow and can't take his eyes off her as she leaves.  There is so much sexual tension there it is ridiculous. Yeah she's going to make it to the fantasy suites I guarantee you.
Dang that was a lot of girls!  I think Juan Pablo may have the best looking cast yet, he has some crazies for sure, but overall, a good group of broads.  My guess on the First Impression Rose would be Andi. Or even Sharlene (elegant) or Clare (silly).
Cocktail Party!
 Juan Pablo heads inside and greets all the ladies who have been patiently waiting/getting hammered while he meets all of his other girlfriends. Sharleen is the only one to get up and offer JP a drink, since he is now very far behind in his intoxication level. Point Sharleen.
He says "I feel like a meat, like they want to eat me" as all the women sit and stare all googley eyed at him. "I feel like I'm naked" All the women wish you were JP, they wish you were. But he can't take it anymore, he's just gotta

dance! Apparently he can't wait a second longer to see if any of these girls have rhythm.  It's a little awkward at first, Dance Puppets Dance. But no one looks like a complete disaster yet.


New to this season....a photo booth! More candid drunk-eye shots!


Nikki is the first girl JP pulls away for some 1 on 1 time.  He needed a refresher on her name. Of course, Nikki the nurse, your heart. boom. boom. These too definitely have some chemistry, so she will be around for a while.

Him and Renee already have nicknames for each other- Mami and Papi. Ayi Papi! He remembered her sons name- Ben. It's cute and they bond on there shared experiences of surprise reproduction, and they make jokes about scoring and how one got past the goalie, opps lol!  Renee admits she married her ex BF she b/c she found out she was pregnant and they wanted to do the right thing. Can't fault her for that, but for whatever reason it didn't work out. She's growing on me.

Whats' that smell? oh that just Lucy sitting with her nasty bare feet in JP's lap.  And she's so in his face, I don't think this free spirit has a clue about personal space. JP looks unimpressed, "She's kinda crazy...with her bare feet all looking at me"
                              Lucy Aragon and Juan Pablo at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party


But that is nothing that is the disaster that is Amy J.  She somehow lured JP over to a massage table and lays him down.  She pours oil all over her hands, then continues to rub all over his........jacket. what?  All while moaning. JP is clearly freaked out and probably not happy about his greasy jacket. 
                             Amy Jokinen Gives Juan Pablo a Massage at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party


Chelsie pulls JP into the photobooth for their first pictures as a "couple", sure, just roll with it. She looks a little tipsy here, JP asks how many kids she wants and her response was "all of them, I want all of the children". yeah this is the creepy plant girl. And all of the photo booth pics end up coming out with her cropped out which I find hilarious. This relationship will not be worth documenting, sorry honey.


JP sits down with Elise and I don't know what it is about her but I zone out when she's on the screen. Next.

A lot of the girls start freaking out at this point, especially Lauren.  She complains that the other girls are all talking about their 1 on 1 time with Juan Pablo and she has yet to have any time with him. She asks the other girls how they got time with him. Girl stop your whining and go find him already! She works herself up into such a tear soaked, snotty messWell that's not the way you want to meet him!  Finally she some how scores some time with him and actually looks really composed?! She must be a professional crazy, he has no idea she had make-up running down her face 5 mins ago.  Of course she brings up her ex.  He also had a son and she fell in love with him too. Yes it's a horrible thing that happened to her but she needs to sort that stuff out before trying to find a husband.
A quick shot of the convo between Danielle and JP shows that she gave him a bear for Camilla. They also breeze though Lacy giving him a puzzle, but it's missing a piece...with represents her. Bitches be trying to hard!
JP gives Andi his jacket as they sit and chat. She says she's used to being in control, but is digging this new experience. When he finds out she's a lawyer he asks if she argues a lot? hahahaha valid question I guess. They tease each other and I was pretty sure she was going to get the First Impression Rose right here. but nope.

Maggie talks about how this is her first time flying.  Juan Pablo seemed to like that Sharleen is very cultured, so that's going to work to Maggie's disadvantage. Speaking of.......
Sharleen is next to talk with him and again he raves about her dress. He's never seen a dress like it before, she looks so elegant.  She talks about living in Germany and trying to be a vegetarian, which is hard because she will order pea soup and "there will literally be a wiener in it" and I'm rolling on the flooring laughing so hard. Damn those Germans putting wieners in everything! Ok get it together Jenn. Ok JP says that he loves how worldly she is (bye Mags) Sharleen admits she knows absolutely no Spanish, to which he replies: that's ok, I know a little bit of English. haha that was cute. He loves that he can actually carry on a conversation with her so he gives her his jacket and tells her to wait there.  We all know where he's headed, to get the First Impression Rose. Cut to a later interview which Sharleen confesses she was expecting to feel a little more insta-chemistry then she did and that if she's being totally honest,  it felt a little forced.  I can't say I hate her for this, she's being honest. In fact, the girls who say the LOVE Juan Pablo and want to marry him tonight are the crazy ones.  Cut back to her waiting for JP, He comes back, sees he's carrying the rose and she's like seriously? me?  Sharleen will you accept this rose.............. crickets........ seconds go by.......... looks like she's wants to say something.......feels like minutes......."Sure"........sure??? She is the most unenthusiastic First Impression Rose recipient ever. Sure? Then she keeps saying "thank you, Sir" Ugh! Sir! I'm cringing.  She went from having my vote to cringe worthy in 2.5 seconds.  I can't figure out if I like her. Sir, jeeze.
The other girls are of course jealous, but Sharleen continues her sudden awkwardness and looks depressed and keeps her head down.  Which pisses the girls off even more- "she doesn't even want it" "I wanted it more" blah blah blah.  Andi is actually nice about it and complements her.
Rose Ceremony
Of course Sharleen already has a rose. 
First he calls Clare(preggo), then Nikki(nurse, heart boom boom), Renee(son), Andi(duh), Ali(soccer ball), Chantal(token), Lauren S(piano), Kelly(and her dog Molly), *I'd be jealous that he called that Bitch first, no seriously, he called the dogs name too*
Next he calls Cassandra(awkward silence), Danielle (curly hair), Chelsie, Kylie, I said Kat. As Kylie mistakenly hears her name and they both come forward.
How embarrassing, ouch. Next- Victoria, Christie, Lucy and she does a twirl, Elise, and................all the remaining girls look like they are about to cry/pass out or both, except for Amy L who still have a huge, hopeful grin on her face. Kylie whispers that she feels like she's going to throw up and I so wish she would! The final rose goes to....Amy L!
So that means going home are-
Kylie-no surprise there
Amy J- I AM surprised she didn't get the axe even before the ceremony. Bitch take your oils and scram!
Ashley-that face, yikes. She should have just stayed in the limo.
Christine (green dress)- I'm a little shocked on this one. Blonde and had some sort of Hispanic accent.  Maybe her ties to the police her too close for JP's comfort.
Maggie-Since he gave Sharleen the FI rose because she is so travelled and worldly, I had a feeling she wouldn't last very long.
Lacy-I bet there was zero sexual chemistry here, I bet she smelled like moth balls.
Val- She was too conceded and JP probably saw that. But I didn't expect her to go home so soon.
Alexis- WTF?! She was GORGEOUS, lived in Miami and Cuban.....maybe JP has a think against Cubans. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
So my 10 top are-

1. Clare
2. Andi
3. Nikki
4. Victoria
5. Kat
6. Renee
7. Amy L
8. Ali
9. Christie

With the final 4 being Clare, Andi, Nikki and......Sharleen?

(All photos are courtesy of




No comments:

Post a Comment